You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘writing’ tag.

IMG_5717Springtime. Foggy and cold mornings, sunny and warm afternoons. Me being all happy and shit one second, only to wanting to crawl into a corner and cry the next. Life is as it is, mostly good, sometimes great and often nothing but alright. Still, I overthink and worry and feel like shit.

I’m worried my lack of dreams will have me be this mediocre person for the rest of my life. Others seem to dream big and live big, and all I want is a cuppa tea and friends. Are my dreams and goals and wishes too small? Must we all dream big?

Sure I’d like to publish, but not enough for me to go through it all and self-pub. And sure, I’d like to finally get my degree, but not enough for me to actually contact my Uni. And yeah, I’d like to have nice and stylish clothes, but not enough to clean my wardrobe out and start afresh.

I would love to travel more, meeting people and eating food. But I also know that I’ll have time for that when the horde is older (we’re going on a family trip this year, so there will be travelling). I asked mum if she’d like to go to London with me in the Autumn, she said yes, so now I guess it’s all about finding a decent priced trip. 

And we do little things with the family all the time. I’m actually a homebody, preferring to not leave my house unless I have to, so this travelling bug biting me is also kinda weird.

Work has been good, I am so happy to be working where I live, but I’ve also wondered if I’m where I ought to be. Is there even such a place for us? Maybe we just do the best with where we’re at and that makes us happy/content? Hard easy questions…

IMG_5764I miss my irl friends. I miss them a lot. We live quite a ways apart, so it’s hard to meet up. And all I want is to have tea with them and just sit and talk, or not talk, just sit. To sit down with someone who knows me, who just gets me and that I know and get in return. There’s real comfort in that.

I’ve been listening a lot to music, it’s really just the same old songs that I always listen to, maybe mixed with a couple new songs, but knowing the lyrics make me feel better about everything. I just wish I could go listen to them live. But it’s hard when many if them don’t even exist anymore… shit, I still can’t listen to Prince without crying my eyes out.

Good thing though is that I seem to be entering a productive period when it comes to writing, ideas pop up and stay with me. Maybe I’ll finish a few projects I have lying about.

Anyhow, I need to lunch and soon my car’s back from having its tyres swapped (no more icy roads, I hope) and I can do the stuff at work I left for today.

xoxo

IMG_1093Midsummer in Sweden is usually a cold and rainy affair (June is our monsoon month after all, though people tend to forget that) but last Friday was unseasonably warm and sunny.

Not that I’m complaining mind, it’s just so very unusual and I for one was taken by surprise. Off came the jeans I had donned in the morning and on came the summer dress I haven’t worn in years (only because I haven’t bothered with mending the torn straps until earlier this year).

We had a lovely Midsummer, wen’t to the celebrations over in Vättlösa and met old friends and simply had a good time.

In the evening my parents came by, bringing Aquavit and strawberries. I ate my weight in new potatoes and pickled herring I think (NO REGRETS!).

IMG_1160Yesterday we went to Liseberg, along with friends and their kids. We had the best time and ended up staying over 10 hours at the amusement park! We had burgers and fries for lunch, ate so much sweets and ice cream and slush.
The twins went on so many rides, and so did Pumpkin, though she felt it was a little unfair that she wasn’t allowed on the really extreme ones…
“When I’m their age I’ll go on all those rides!”
“Yes my darling, you will.”

I got 6 books from the library last week and have read 5 of them already, the last one will be read tomorrow I think. It’s a Sarah Dessen favourite: What Happened to Goodbye.
I do wish they’d get all the Sarah Dessen books, along with all three Stephanie Perkins books I love and several other great great great YA writers I love.
I’ll have to talk with my librarian friend and see if I can convince her to get them all.

Another thing I’m trying to do this summer (at least during these six weeks of holiday I have) is to take better care of myself, find a way back to me and like what I see when I look in the mirror. As it is now I’m not very happy with myself.
The biggest issue I have is my skin: my moles and scars. I cannot NOT see it whenever I look in the mirror.
Right now I feel as if nothing I do makes me forget the fact that my skin makes me a freak and when I previously shook off comments I now just want to cry whenever someone says something about me. It’s really mostly young kids who wonder why I have so many “spots” and I tend to tell them that’s just the way it is, I can’t help it anymore than they can help the colour of their eyes.

IMG_1183Maybe I need to go see someone about this, find ways to beat the negative thoughts crowding my mind and making me feel less about myself.
As it is now I’ve even gone so far as to edit/remove moles in selfies before I post them anywhere. I don’t think anyone else has noticed, but I’ve felt better about the pictures, now without the freakish spots all over…

Anyhow, I’m going to finish reading this novel by Morgan Matson, Second Chance Summer and cry my eyes out doing so (I’ve read it before and I know how it ends and I know I’ll cry and I’ll read it anyway, because I can!).

xoxo

DSC_0031-PANO
I remember a dream I had as a teen (I was maybe 14 or 15).

I’m at the small lake in the neighbouring village, the lake we rode our bikes to during summer, the place to be if you wanted to look at cute boys. In my dream I’m alone, even though it’s the middle of the day. The sun is warming my skin and I feel a breeze playing with my hair.
Come to think of it I don’t think I’m alone at all, there are faceless people swimming and talking and laughing in my peripheral vision. Anyway, I’m sitting on the jetty, almost at the end where it’s deep enough to dive into the murky water.
A boy walks towards me, a boy I really like, although his face is washed out by the bright sunshine, so I can’t be sure it’s the boy I’m crushing on at the time. He might be some generic dream version of boys I fancy (tall, dark, big grinned, funny boys), it doesn’t really matter, does it?
In my dream he sits down next to me, I smile at him and he smiles back. Then he leans in and kisses me. It’s The Perfect Kiss (well, duh what other types of kisses are there in perfect summer type dreams).
Then I woke up and spent weeks at trying to figure out who the boy was and if this was proof of my clairvoyance and if someone actually liked me, like that…

Sadly I never experienced a perfect kiss by a perfect boy on a perfect summer’s day out on the jetty (there are other kisses at other times, but nothing like the kiss in my dream).
I wish I could have this dream again, because it was a really good one. Wouldn’t that be nice? I can’t think of another dream I’d like to relive, this one has just stuck with me through the years.

I do have an excellent memory from the same village, but I was 17 and there’s no kissing involved. There are a couple of boys in this memory and I had a crush on one of them, but this time I had left them behind at the house we were staying at (we were supposed to be camping but summer nights in Sweden can be quite cold, so we walked 4 km to spend the night on the floors of this house).
A friend of mine, we weren’t great friends, but that night we were The Best Of Friends. Do you know what I mean? We talked and talked and talked and as the sun rose we sat on a fence looking out over the morning mist dancing over the moor and everything was simply perfect.
After a while some of the boys found us and one of them put his arm around my friend. The boy I was crushing on walked beside me back to the house, we didn’t speak. And I wonder what he would have done if I had kissed him there in the rising sun…

I don’t think I’ve felt more beautiful or alive as that morning, I felt life rushing through me, filling me to the brim and making me love every second of it. It’s a good memory.

Anyhow, I’m writing a lot right now. And that makes me happy.

xoxo

I have a few things I’d love to do in April.

First I’d love to go see The 1975 in Stockholm April 6th (no, working and there’s no one to cover for me), second I’d love to go down to Gothenburg for the day (just walk around, people watching) and third I’d love for someone to make me the most chocolaty birthday cake (I’ll end up having to make it myself).

78304-tangled-the-feels-gif-9mQq

Before we even get to April there’s Easter. I’m working tomorrow (Sunday) and the day after (bus trip with kids from work), but then I  have seven days off.
I’ve promised the horde the baking of cakes, the watching of films, for eldest to have her ears pierced, for them all to get their hair cut and for us to eat All The Easter Sweets.

So much to do, all of it/most of it only fun things.

At the moment I’m playing The 1975’s new album “I like it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it” on repeat, it’s like they have a song for every occasion.
I’d like to just disappear into the music and not resurface until some time in June. It’s almost as if my heartbeats are in sync with their songs.

Work wise it’s a lot the coming two months. Sleepovers and prepping end of term celebrations and making sure my Confirmation youth group get their act together for Confirmation.
I think I have one free weekend in April and the same goes for May. On the other hand June is much slower, but at the moment I can’t appreciate the fact.

224gofmaze

There are a few jobs out near where I live and I’m going to apply to them. I’d like to think I’m interesting enough for them to ask me to come for an interview, but on the other hand I don’t have a degree in anything and this makes me doubt myself. I have so many uni courses under my belt and work experience, but is that enough?
If I get to an interview I know I’ll be able to talk about myself well enough, and I like to think I’m a likable person. So that’s nothing I’m worried about. It’s presenting myself on paper, trying to make myself interesting enough for them to actually ask me to come for an interview that’s the scary part.

Anyhow, my writing has been frequent the last few weeks. I’ve completed several short stories and poems, in both Swedish and English and I still feel that there’s stuff left to write about. An awesome feeling after the big nothing I felt earlier this year. More tea I think and more The 1975 and more writing.

xoxo

giphy (1)

I’ve been blown away by the response I got to my previous blog post (the one where I went on about not having anyone to hang out with). I can’t remember when I had so many people respond to and share my blog, if ever. There have been a bunch of private messages, twitter responses and even a handwritten letter (thank you darling, I’m writing back asap).

Apparently there are quite a few people out there who appreciate me and what I do, they just don’t say it very often (which has Pnub being correct in stating that the introverts I have forced my friendship upon befriended like me but hardly ever say it).

So, I feel better about myself. And I love you all very much. My tribe. ❤

My recent hangup is writing a Valentine’s Day piece for Saturday Scenes. I have a story and I’m jumping all over its timeline to get words down, usually I write most things chronically. But I guess this is a good thing, I’m a step or two out of my comfort zone and this has me working hard to finish it. It’s going to be a short thing, but maybe I’ll expand it, add scenes, if I like it well enough.

Also I’ve read a lot of books on Kindle (this weekend I think I managed to get through 6 or 7). It irks me that most e-books I find are part of a series. I do not have the time or the inclination to devote time on a book series with 667 573 476 books in it.

Trilogy, maybe, but with my luck book 3 isn’t published yet and waiting several months for the ending is not for me. At least not at the moment (patience can bite me).

Idoitnowf you have an e-book you think I ought to give a try, please tell me so. I mostly read romance and YA on Kindle. Sci-fi is also a deep well of pleasure when it comes to reading.

Anyhow, I’m going to write some on this Valentine’s story before heading to bed.

xoxo

Writing commentaries on IB1’s MOCKS and calling a man about a job, should take about two hours, tops. And then… time spent writing I guess. Two and a half days of writing, with almost no interruption (that’s just freaky and weird) and I might actually get somewhere with my stories. Shiny! 

I’m writing an application for a job and realise I need a picture to go with it… the ones on my work laptop won’t cut it, so I slap some face paint on and secure my hair with a paperclip. I’ll do some spit and polish with a photo app on my phone and Hey Presto! a completely decent job application photo (a girl needs to be creative and have emergency makeup in her handbag)!

I think I’ve applied for close to ten jobs in the last two months. I’ve gotten “Thanks, but no thanks” from three of them, “Thank you for your application” from another three, heard nothing from three other and the tenth is the one I’m going to send off today. When I spoke with the guy in charge he sounded very positive and he finished off saying he looked forward to my application, the best reaction as of yet (fingers crossed).

It really sucks to know I might be unemployed in a few months time. Yes, I have to see it as an opportunity to do other things, that this is probably a good thing (I’d never quit my job even though I was unhappy), but unemployment sucks any way you look at it.

I’m down to the last thing on my list: writing MOCKS comments. I have eight students to comment on and even though several will get boring comments (they did very well and have little to work with next year when it comes to English), I still feel like doing other things and hope the comments will go away or write themselves…

Nope, no such luck. The document’s still empty, better get going then.

I’ll just surf the interweb a wee a bit first… Image

xoxo

I’ve almost cleared my desk and the cabinet and drawers, there are just some folders I haven’t looked through yet. I need to take the big pile of paper I decided to throw away down to the dumpster (because they don’t empty the waste bin in the filing room until tomorrow and I can’t have that big pile of junk in my office one more day) and after that I only have some files on my laptop to sort.

I’ll be done by Wednesday, the latest… but I have to sit here on my butt (something not completely unpleasant since I have enough junk in my trunk to park comfortably anywhere).

ImageI guess I could read, write on my stories, paint my nails, learn origami… but there’s something about being at work with no work to do that doesn’t sit well with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I procrastinate with the best of them, but then I always have something I REALLY need to do but decide to ignore for the time being. Procrastination as such isn’t very thrilling.

Anyhow, my short story got stuck yesterday. It turned out baaaaad and I’m thinking of writing a new one (that, or I have to go in and rewrite most of it, which I don’t feel like right now). I have some other ideas in the back of my mind, more of seedlings than fully developed story lines, but that’s better than nothing. Right?

Right. Back to those last folders and that huge stack of papers…

xoxo

IMG_20130410_131532

Yesterday was brilliant, not the seminar I had to attend in the morning, but after lunch I got to visit my favourite bookstore in the world! The Science Fiction Bookstore can be found in three cities here in Sweden: Stockholm, Gothenburg and Malmö. It’s THE place to get your fill of scifi, fantasy, urban, horror or anything not mainstream fix!

Even though I have an extensive list of books and movies I really want to buy I ended up just bying one book, and that one wasn’t even on my list. Ursula LeGuin is one of my favourite authors and she has published a book about writing, it’s based on a writers workshop she held in 1996 and contains all kinds of exercises for writers. Brilliant doesn’t even begin to cover it. I want to think I’ll be as good as her after finishing these exercises… please let it be so!

I’m going to start working with this book as soon as possible, but I know it’s going to be hard finding the time for it. I have so much to do at work and maybe even more to do when it comes to my uni essay. It’s such a bummer that all my writing time gets eaten by all these trivial things like work and studying (if I could I’d say “Sod it!” to everything else, but I hear it’s good to eat now and then)…

IMG_20130410_130950

I spent little over an hour browsing the various items they have in there, I found a pen and paper RPG that I played a lot when I was younger. Would be really cool the get my hands on that and play some with my friends. Too bad most of my RPG friends live far away right now and when we meet it’s more about catching up than getting to play. This particular game is called: “Drakar och Demoner” = “Dragons and Demons”, and I think it’s a Swedish take on Dungeons & Dragons (I might be completely wrong here, so don’t get too mad at me). 

I also found this great looking game called: “More than Human”, which had the scenario that some humans developed superpowers and then have to decide if they want to save humanity or destroy it (classic take on the superhuman vs. human story, but still very cool). It all takes place during the 80’s, so you have to think about that when playing: the clothes, the tech, world politics etc.

The fact that it’s not taking place in our present time might in fact be more of a challenge than trying to play someone with superpowers and struggling with being good or evil, because we can all relate to that struggle.

I grew up during the 80’s and have some memories of how things were, but I was a teen during the 90’s and the images from that decade are way clearer than the ones from the 80’s (duh!). On the other hand I love many of the artists that were big back then, so looking at their album covers I can easily picture how people (at least the cool people) dressed and wore their hair.

There was one more item that caught my fancy, a model of the Normandy, the ship from Mass Effect! I’d love to go complete nerd and buy it, but it’s a wee bit too expensive for me to buy at the moment. I spent some time flipping through the Mass Effect comic books as well, really like the way they’ve done them. Maybe some day I’ll be able to buy all that stuff (a girl can ream, can’t she?)…

IMG_20130410_124109

Anyhow, I’ll leave you with a pic of me grinning like an idiot (don’t comment on that!), standing by a shelf consisting only of science fiction novels. The feel, smell and sight of all those wonderful books has my heart go all pitter patter just writing about it.

Books are one of the most important reasons for living, you can quote me on that!

xoxo

wordsI’m struggling.

There’s a paragraph in my short story that says something like: “They all hugged and talked and laughed.” This I need to get down into dialogue and I really need to flesh it out a bit. Trouble is, I see it all in my mind, clear as day, but the words won’t come… I feel my main character’s emotions and hear her inner monologue, but to get that down on paper (well, the screen in this case) seems close to impossible! If I can only get that last paragraph in order it’s all set. I’m going to have someone proofread it, make the necessary adjustments and then send it to the competition.

I’m also thinking about trying to find magazines, online or printed, that would want to buy my other short stories. I mean, there must be some out there who’d want them (though I doubt there are many Swedish alternatives, it’s a crappy country to be an author in at the moment).

If *YOU* know of anyone (they don’t even have to pay me I’d happily sell my soul for some exposure), tell me! It’s so time consuming finding anyone (I know, I know, shouldn’t be lazy, but come on! Daylight saving! I’m tired).

I so love the fact that the days are longer, more bright and that Spring has finally decided to make an appearance. I even saw a butterfly yesterday and when poking around the garden I saw leaves sprouting and things growing where a couple of weeks ago there was nothing. Still colder than on the dark side of the Moon, but I’ve heard that if Spring is cold Summer’s going to be nice and toasty. I do hope so! Last Summer was such a disappointment, rainy and cloudy (it was like living in one of the Twilight novels, minus the sparkles).

Wednesdays are my worst days, I have to get up at 5.30 (which isn’t sane in any way) and I haven’t eaten anything yet. Just drank two cups of tea when I got to work and I “forgot” to bring lunch… I could go to the cafeteria and get whatever’s being served, but I probably won’t (because I’m lazy and would rather get really fat eating chocolate than walk 200m to get a proper meal).

The other day my husband sent me link to a job, it’s in a neighbouring town and at a high school, the only trouble is that is starts in May and classes here don’t end until the second week of June. I’m applying (of course) and when I spoke with my principal this morning he sounded as if we’ll work around any problems arising, should I be offered the position. Fingers crossed I get it, that would be a year of work for me and a major weight off my back…

Anyhow, time to gather the swarm (yes, I refer to my students as pesky insects) – lunch time!

xoxo

Right.

So I found out the other day that there’s little chance of me teaching at my school come August. We have few students applying to our school and too many language teachers. On the other hand they’re not saying I’m fired, just that unless someone quits or we get more students, there won’t be any classes for me (yeah, I’ll just hold my breath now then, shall I?).

Am I upset? No. I’ve not really been happy there the last couple of years (I’m not going to go into that now, I still work there..) and I’d rather see this as an opportunity to try working at another school, or even do something else. My dream would be to be able to write for a living, a dream I’m shelving at the moment due to the Horde (my kids that is) and taking uni courses.

I’ve gotten to know quite a few people these last few years that have the same dream I do: to live on their writing. Some have been published, others refused, a couple haven’t even been in contact with publishers, but all carry their stories and hopes close to their hearts. I wish them all luck, and joy, and that their muse never leaves them.

My writing has been almost nonexistent until just recently. I wrote a couple of short stories (SF all of them) and I’ve sent two of them to competitions. It would be so cool to win, or even be acknowledged as being a good writer. Friends and family say I write good stories, but even though I don’t think they’d lie about it, they’re still biased. I need someone I trust to be completely honest and “professional” to say it, for me to truly believe it’s true (am I being the biggest snob here?).

Tonight I’ve been working at home, I have audio files to get in order to be sent off to Argentina for examination. The IB Program has the funniest way of dealing with everything…

Anyhow, I’ll leave you with an awesome song by the Foo Fighters.

xoxo

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Tweet tweet

Goodreads