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This is from today, at around 3PM. The sun was setting and as I’m writing this it’s pitch black outside. 

We had snow in the beginning of November, which was real nice since it made all the darkness go away a bit. Now it’s all rain and dark and miserable feelings all day every day… kinda, sorta, maybe. 

We’ve had sunny days, sure, but most days have been wet and rainy and foggy and meh. 

Right now I’m at the swimming pool, there’s a gym there too and an aerobics room in which my girls take ballet classes (Princess is still at it, Pumpkin is done and has been sitting here with me almost half an hour already). 

I did my shoulder physiotherapy as my youngest had her class. It’s getting better and I’m getting stronger, but now my shoulder hurts if I sit still for too long… like playing video games. Yay. 

Speaking of which. I just finished Mass Effect 3 today (again, for the umpteenth time). And I cannot wait for Mass Effect Andromeda to arrive next year! 

Sometimes I think I ought to branch out and try other games, but then I think why? I love ME and DA and they always make me feel better (happier) when I play them. 

Well. 

Maybe I need to find more people to hang out with instead? Maybe I need to “people” more? I miss having people who get me around. My days are filled with nothing but normals… it’s exhausting being the weird one every single day

I miss the people I only talk with online. I miss not having them here with me. I miss irl convos and laughter. 

Anyhow, ballet class is almost over. I need to get the girls home and shower and feed us. Maybe my sads is because I’m freaking hungry? 

xoxo 

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I have the stupid sads and nothing is helping. It’s like I’ve crawled head first into a hole and now I’m stuck, no amount of bum wiggling will get me out to see the light of day. 

Ugh…

All I want is to stay in bed. 

But I wake up tired and get out of bed and get dressed and put makeup on and eat breakfast (okay okay, I have a cuppa tea) and take littlests hordling to school and go to work and go through the motions and then I can’t sleep at night and I wake up tired the next day. 

Hubs thought I ought to take vitamins, which won’t hurt so I do. But I’m thinking I might need to go talk to someone, exercise more, find the happy again. 

I don’t know. 

Anyhow, one of my stories is coming along nicely and I really wish I could focus on that and nothing else. I’ll dream on… 

xoxo 

I know I’m tired and it’s late-ish and dark and I’m listening to depressing songs on Spotify… but the sads are a thing. 

I miss my friends from my old job. They were arses (lovely ones) some days, but mostly they were just plain gorgeous. I miss having people who GET me. There are no nerds at my current job… 

I play the adult 24/7 and ohmygod is it boring. I feel the crazed Potterhead, the sci-fi freak, the video game nutter wanting to break out and I don’t know how to do it. Must I crack open my blue lip cream and unicorn glitter eyeshadow? 

Anyhow, I’ll continue listening to these sad sad songs and read my ebook until bedtime. And tomorrow I’ll go back to pretending to have my shit together. 

xoxo 

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It wouldn’t be a lie to claim that autumn is here. The bright colours of summer are all muted and dark, the fields a dull gold, the trees dark green and some even a pale yellow…

There’s a musty smell in the woods, a wet and earthy tone filling my lungs with autumn air and my mind with the sads.

I feel like I’m struggling with keeping cheerful, with feeling as if there’s a point of leaving the house and interacting with others. I’ve even cut back on my time spent on social media (insane, I know!).

These emotions are going to stay for an unknown period of time. Maybe all the colours of autumn will give me strength, maybe it’ll be lighting candles in December. I don’t know.

Anyhow, life goes on. Time never stops, and all I can do is get out if bed, get out of the house and go about my business.

xoxo

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I’ve written 50 (?) words in 5 days. I think I’ll just let the Fail Fairies dance all over me this year.

At the moment (after a weekend of work and a shoulder that aches and the sads) I can’t find it in me to write. The story is there, in my head, but I don’t have the energy to make it happen right now.

How do people do this? I neither have a room of my own, or time of my own, or any of those other things (like discipline…) that I would need to succeed. I suck.

Anyhow, it’s darker than ever (like always in November) and the sads has me in its grasp. I’ll just go buy (and eat) my own weight in chocolate.

xoxo