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Right. Spring term at work has been hectic, with a side of stressful and a great big dollop of sadness and self loathing. Though that last bit has sort of been a part of my everyday life too.

The book thing has gone to pot. Mostly because I’m rubbish at finishing projects and keep getting sidetracked and/or bored. I want to finish it, but I’ve been questioning myself (in all aspects of my life, not just writing) and that makes me not even want to try.

Ugh, I’m so fed up with myself right now… let’s talk about something else.

Best thing this year (and pretty much ever) was the Foo Fighters concert in Gothenburg last week. Like seriously.

Best gorram thing ever!

I love them even more now. And I’ve loved them pretty much a lot since 1997. It’s funny, and wonderful, that a band can mean so much for such a long time and be so influential in a lot of areas of my life.

In August (fingers crossed) hubs and I are going to Stockholm to see Goo Goo Dolls, they’re doing a 20 year anniversary tour of “Dizzy up the girl” (which was the album I discovered them with in 1998). They’re another band that meant so much in my teens.

Actually, a lot of bands I enjoyed in my teens are American rock bands. I guess that’s my jam…

Anyhow, I have three more days of work before summer holiday. Fingers crosses the hot summery weather returns, or I’d be fine with the wind dying down some.

Also. Dinner time soon, so I better get those pizzas made and into the oven.

xoxo

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Christmas has passed. We’re in these in between days that just are, that must be, before we step into the new year.

The picture is from two weeks ago. Winter wonderland. Today it’s all rain and gloom and darkness. We’ve passed the longest night by a week, but it’ll take time before we’ll notice any change.

I’m off work until school starts again, January 9th. Which is so nice. But on the other hand it’s a bit ugh to be at home with three kids that sulk about not finding friends to play with.

I get it, sitting at home isn’t very fun, at least not when you’re forced to hang out with your siblings 24/7. And a lot of families have gone away on holiday or visiting family over Christmas and New Year.

Sometimes I think we’re the only ones who have stayed at home.

I’ve slacked off on my workout routine and I’m paying for it by being in pain and feeling meh. So I went to the gym today and practically cried my way through it. I wish I could think of a way to make that whole experience fun… like reading books is fun, or having tea is fun, or watching films is fun.

Ugh.

Guess my New Years resolution will be to not be such a lazy fat ass. Which means I need to be the total opposite of what I am.

Also. I have a couple of weeks until my next skin checkup, so all the angst associated with that is bubbling up to the surface.

Fun times!

I hate feeling like this, but I honestly don’t know how to deal with it; apart from allowing myself to feel like absolute shit until the checkup’s done. The feelings won’t go away, so maybe just embrace them?

I haven’t taken many pictures of anything lately (not even selfies, which is like super weird). And I know it’s because I feel all these horrible, crying over everything, ugly feelings.

Anyhow, we’re going to town after lunch. So maybe I’ll make an effort, or something…

xoxo

…hi.

So you know. Life. Or I’m not going to blame it all on life. I’m just not very good at this blogging thing, I guess.

Autumn has been good and it’s been exceptionally rough. I think that this year’s seasonal depression thing has been worse than ever.

At the same time I’m all happy and cheerful at work, because work and feeling I have to put up a “brave front”.

Having been sloppy with my workout routine hasn’t helped either.

So I’ve been experiencing pain in my shoulder and that gives me a headache because I grind my teeth.

Fingers crossed I’ll keep it up from now on.

I’m back to writing more. September and October were full months of writing, but then I hit a wall at the end of October. I kinda think I’ve found my way back though. At least I have ideas. That’s something.

Also, I’m back playing Mass Effect Andromeda. My 2nd pt and it’s been good. It does take a while to get into the game, like a good 20h or so. But now I have all the planets and my next big move is going after the Archon.

I do plan on completing as much as possible this time round though. So it’ll be a while before I do that quest.

Anyhow. Christmas is upon us, and life goes on, and another year is soon here… and I guess that’s about it.

xoxo

IMG_1093Midsummer in Sweden is usually a cold and rainy affair (June is our monsoon month after all, though people tend to forget that) but last Friday was unseasonably warm and sunny.

Not that I’m complaining mind, it’s just so very unusual and I for one was taken by surprise. Off came the jeans I had donned in the morning and on came the summer dress I haven’t worn in years (only because I haven’t bothered with mending the torn straps until earlier this year).

We had a lovely Midsummer, wen’t to the celebrations over in Vättlösa and met old friends and simply had a good time.

In the evening my parents came by, bringing Aquavit and strawberries. I ate my weight in new potatoes and pickled herring I think (NO REGRETS!).

IMG_1160Yesterday we went to Liseberg, along with friends and their kids. We had the best time and ended up staying over 10 hours at the amusement park! We had burgers and fries for lunch, ate so much sweets and ice cream and slush.
The twins went on so many rides, and so did Pumpkin, though she felt it was a little unfair that she wasn’t allowed on the really extreme ones…
“When I’m their age I’ll go on all those rides!”
“Yes my darling, you will.”

I got 6 books from the library last week and have read 5 of them already, the last one will be read tomorrow I think. It’s a Sarah Dessen favourite: What Happened to Goodbye.
I do wish they’d get all the Sarah Dessen books, along with all three Stephanie Perkins books I love and several other great great great YA writers I love.
I’ll have to talk with my librarian friend and see if I can convince her to get them all.

Another thing I’m trying to do this summer (at least during these six weeks of holiday I have) is to take better care of myself, find a way back to me and like what I see when I look in the mirror. As it is now I’m not very happy with myself.
The biggest issue I have is my skin: my moles and scars. I cannot NOT see it whenever I look in the mirror.
Right now I feel as if nothing I do makes me forget the fact that my skin makes me a freak and when I previously shook off comments I now just want to cry whenever someone says something about me. It’s really mostly young kids who wonder why I have so many “spots” and I tend to tell them that’s just the way it is, I can’t help it anymore than they can help the colour of their eyes.

IMG_1183Maybe I need to go see someone about this, find ways to beat the negative thoughts crowding my mind and making me feel less about myself.
As it is now I’ve even gone so far as to edit/remove moles in selfies before I post them anywhere. I don’t think anyone else has noticed, but I’ve felt better about the pictures, now without the freakish spots all over…

Anyhow, I’m going to finish reading this novel by Morgan Matson, Second Chance Summer and cry my eyes out doing so (I’ve read it before and I know how it ends and I know I’ll cry and I’ll read it anyway, because I can!).

xoxo

IMG_0272We’ve had crazy hot weather the last couple of days, the kind where you’re keeping your fingers crossed for thunder to come release you from the humidity.
And tonight it finally happened. Thunderstorm with accompanying rain. There’s a virtual waterfall from our gutter out front. Maybe I ought to go stand out in the rain? It’s nice to let yourself get soak by rain, if you know you’ll soon be dry and warm indoors.

I’ve written quite a lot these last few days, I have two short stories going and one of them is my current Saturday Scenes. Better finish it before I run out of Saturdays… the other one is my Harry Potter fanfic, that one I’m publishing on Archive of Our Own (go clickety if you wanna read, I’ve only posted three short chapters so far). With both of these I’m in the same pickle as always, I start writing without a ready plot and have no idea how they’re going to end…
I wonder if I’ll ever learn to do a outline for my stories, so that I’ll not end up in “what-the-fuck-happens-next land”? Probably not, I rarely learn from my mistakes. *big grin*

This week has been all about cleaning at work. We have to wash all the toys and clean out all the cupboards in all the houses we have groups in. That’s A LOT of toys… but I’m doing it with my buddies so at least there’s company and lots of laughs.
I’m going to miss them so much when I start my new job… love them to bits.

Right now I’m binge listening to Goo Goo Dolls. Seriously, they’ve not one bad song. Too bad they’re not touring Sweden… the closest they get is the UK. I wish I had time/money to go see them in London in October, but that’ll never happen.
Oh well, good thing I have Spotify then.

Anyhow, I got a date for surgery (June 9th). Two moles that need removing, not because they have melanoma, but because my doc thought they looked iffy. Whatever that means. I wish it would all just stop. I don’t need anymore scars, I’ll be at 15 when these have been removed. Yay!
Tonight I’m going to paint my nails and read, or write if my nail polish dries fast enough…

xoxo

PrincePurpleRainI know many think this is odd and over the top, but the death of Prince has been the single worst thing that’s happened to me in almost forever.
A tweet said (I’m paraphrasing here): “I don’t want to live in a world where Prince can die.” and this is how it feels.
He played such a big part of my growing up/teens, his music, his style and lyrics have carried me through so much shit and he held my hand through the good times.
As it is right now I can’t hear his music without crying, but at the same time I want to listen to him and never ever forget how his music makes me feel alive.

I was 13 or 14 when I happened upon Purple Rain on the telly, it was pure magic. Purple magic. I couldn’t stop obsessing about the songs or Prince but I had no one to share my obsession with. None of my friends got it, they were too busy with their own obsessions and musicians, which was all fine and dandy.
More Prince for me!
When my class went on a school trip to Denmark I hurried to record stores to see what Prince albums they had there and how many I could afford to buy. Most classmates were more concerned in buying booze, or Danish pastries.
I only bought the one CD: The Love Symbol album O(+> and I played in on my disc Walkman until I knew all the lyrics by heart.

My favourite Prince songs, in no particular order, are (I can’t pick one, who could?):

  • Sometimes it snows in April
  • Raspberry Beret
  • 7
  • Purple Rain
  • Get Freaky
  • When doves cry
  • Diamonds and pearls 
  • Morning papers 
  • Starfish and coffee
  • Gold 

2016 has been a shit year when it comes to people I look up to dying, it needs to stop with the killing off my favourites. Like really.

There’s groovy music in heaven now, for sure.

Anyhow, it’s stupid cold for April and I’m not impressed with any of it. What’s the  point of a jean jacket if I keep freezing my bum off every time I wear it? Hmpf…

xoxo 

DSC_0180It’s time for me to make an appointment for a checkup at the hospital.

Every six months I go back to see if any of my moles or any other part of my skin has gone cancer on me. And every freaking time I fall into a big black hole of angst, the sads and “what ifs”…

Yeah I know.

It’s great that they check up on me, it’s good that they’ll catch any shit cancer before it becomes really dangerous. But I can’t get past this fear of them wanting to cut me again! It eats me up from the inside and I don’t know what to do.

This time I’m also having issues with this thing called “the future”. I really don’t know what I want. Should I continue as I am, change jobs, work towards a ordination? I’m more or less sure of wanting to become a priest, though that’s going to take me quite a few years of studying… and I know I can’t work at the same time because I don’t do both well at the same time.

And then there’s my writing, which is such a great part of me too.

I want to write more, finish projects, feel it working for me. But as it is now, with me not doing great, I have to struggle to get even a few words down. All I do is read and listen to music (I’ve read close to 80 books in April, and the month’s not even over), I’m such a freak.

Argh! I can’t even blog about this without crying! I’ll just leave it at that.

As it is now I can’t be bothered with social media either, I’m sorry everyone who’s wondered where I’ve been, I don’t know when I’ll be back in action.

Anyhow, hubs got me “Jaws of Hakkon” (Dragon Age Inquisition DLC) for my birthday. I love that man so much! I’m also slaying dragons with my mage. If that doesn’t make me feel better, I don’t think there’s any hope for the future.

xoxo

wpid-wp-1426269219986.jpegToday has been a day filled with The Sad. A kind of sadness that results in restlessness and a wish to get away from everything. Most of all I wished for someone, a friend, to just sit with me and say nothing, just sit there in quiet understanding and maybe let me cry a little.

But since Fridays are my days home with Pumpkin () that wasn’t possible. Instead we went and borrowed the pram from my parents-in-law and set off for a long walk after lunch. As I hoped she fell asleep quickly and I could walk on, music in my ears and the sun in my face.

The last couple of days have been wonderfully sunny (with strong winds) and the knowledge of days getting longer and brighter brings happiness, in the middle of feeling sad (I know, I’m so weird and shizzle, but I don’t know what to do about it).

wpid-dsc_0007.jpg

One great ting today (and every Friday) is going to the stables with Princess. I get to work with the horses and take care of them and hug them and snuggle and sniff them…

God I wish I could have the time to take riding lessons myself! I miss horses so much! Today Princess and I had King to take care of and she got to try jumping for the first time. To see the joy in her eyes after the first proper jump – priceless!

Anyhow, the rest of the night is most likely going to be spent translating a piece of my poetry from Swedish to English. It’s a longer prose poem and I’ll be trying to find just the right words to give it the same feeling in English as it has in Swedish.

Might post it somewhere after I’m done…

And go give someone you care about a hug, or text them, or write them a postcard, or think of them so hard that they’ll feel it.

xoxo

image

So my doctor called me this morning at breakfast to tell me what it was they removed from my face.

Cancer (I can’t remember what she called it, it’s NOT melanoma, but a non-aggressive type of skin cancer and they’ve removed it all).

I know this is good news. I know I should be happy. I know.
But I’m sad. Sad because this will happen again.

And again.

And again.

I’m done with this, but it’ll never be done with me.

Anyhow, hubs and I are going to Gothenburg tomorrow. A night at a hotel and then Gothenburg Book Fair on Sunday. That I’m happy about.

xoxo

IMG_20140201_194458…how much I love you. 

Or maybe not.

That could get awkward and it would most definitely expose my stalkerish nature. But then that’s sorta what the interwebz is all about, isn’t it? Finding people you luuurv and then go find them all over and just like, plus, love, retweet E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G they say. I don’t know. 

I do have a few people that live otherwhere on the planet (and country) that I really want to meet and squeeze (a little and gently). Then we’d have coffee/tea/iced drinks and talk and laugh and talk some more. (I love yous!

In other news.
It’s been raining every day for two weeks and frankly, I’m getting tired of that water falling from the sky. Yes, yes! I get it! Summer is over. Autumn is here and all the light will soon be a memory to retrieve during those long winter nights.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Autumn. I really do. But I want days with sunshine and stolen warmth next to brick walls, a cool breeze stroking my cheek as I walk the path from Varnhem (if you go clickety there will be pictures) up towards the hills and over the creek. I want to follow the flying V of birds with the sun warming my back and tea steaming from my thermos. 
What I’m saying is that I miss the sun. A lot. 

Anyway, Pumpkin is going back to daycare tomorrow and the twins start school again on Wednesday. In one way it’s sad that summer is over, in another I’m glad they’re out of the house. They’ve been so fed up with each other these last two weeks and fought more than played.

They drive me insane, but I’d go mental without them.

xoxo  

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