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Right. Spring term at work has been hectic, with a side of stressful and a great big dollop of sadness and self loathing. Though that last bit has sort of been a part of my everyday life too.

The book thing has gone to pot. Mostly because I’m rubbish at finishing projects and keep getting sidetracked and/or bored. I want to finish it, but I’ve been questioning myself (in all aspects of my life, not just writing) and that makes me not even want to try.

Ugh, I’m so fed up with myself right now… let’s talk about something else.

Best thing this year (and pretty much ever) was the Foo Fighters concert in Gothenburg last week. Like seriously.

Best gorram thing ever!

I love them even more now. And I’ve loved them pretty much a lot since 1997. It’s funny, and wonderful, that a band can mean so much for such a long time and be so influential in a lot of areas of my life.

In August (fingers crossed) hubs and I are going to Stockholm to see Goo Goo Dolls, they’re doing a 20 year anniversary tour of “Dizzy up the girl” (which was the album I discovered them with in 1998). They’re another band that meant so much in my teens.

Actually, a lot of bands I enjoyed in my teens are American rock bands. I guess that’s my jam…

Anyhow, I have three more days of work before summer holiday. Fingers crosses the hot summery weather returns, or I’d be fine with the wind dying down some.

Also. Dinner time soon, so I better get those pizzas made and into the oven.

xoxo

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So, I’ve decided to write this year. Write, as in: “Don’t you dare do nothing else with your time Yheela!”

And so far, I’ve not done too shabby.

I have a Swedish YA novel which is ~51.000 words, and it so badly needs a rewrite and edits and I feel like I should give this novel a go.

Like, I put so much time and effort into it that I’d be letting myself down if I didn’t!

I’d be lying if I tell you that I’ve written on my novel every day since I decided to do this. But I be been ~writing~ every day. Actually putting words down and making stories.

Only yesterday I finished a superhero short story (and posted it on my writer’s blog, I’ll try to make this a clickety link thing). It’s a huge thing, since I have that damnable issue with finishing my stories.

Like yes, planning my stories might help me with the times when I just sit there staring at the screen. But dear god help me, it’s boring af! And if I plan a story out I often never get to the writing part anyway.

I’m the suckiest writer.

Well, I suck at making plans and sticking with them and finishing stuff and things, you know. I like my stories though, even the ones that never amount into anything.

So anyway. My plan is to rewrite the story and have it ready to send to an editor by early summer (the latest). Then I hope to have a few months to do edits and (fingers crossed) I’ll send the manuscript to publishers before the new year.

Doesn’t sound all dumb, does it? I don’t know actually. But it’s my plan and I’m sticking with it!

Yeah!

Anyhow, dinner time (writing time) and all that jazz.

I love you, like for reals.

xoxo

Christmas has passed. We’re in these in between days that just are, that must be, before we step into the new year.

The picture is from two weeks ago. Winter wonderland. Today it’s all rain and gloom and darkness. We’ve passed the longest night by a week, but it’ll take time before we’ll notice any change.

I’m off work until school starts again, January 9th. Which is so nice. But on the other hand it’s a bit ugh to be at home with three kids that sulk about not finding friends to play with.

I get it, sitting at home isn’t very fun, at least not when you’re forced to hang out with your siblings 24/7. And a lot of families have gone away on holiday or visiting family over Christmas and New Year.

Sometimes I think we’re the only ones who have stayed at home.

I’ve slacked off on my workout routine and I’m paying for it by being in pain and feeling meh. So I went to the gym today and practically cried my way through it. I wish I could think of a way to make that whole experience fun… like reading books is fun, or having tea is fun, or watching films is fun.

Ugh.

Guess my New Years resolution will be to not be such a lazy fat ass. Which means I need to be the total opposite of what I am.

Also. I have a couple of weeks until my next skin checkup, so all the angst associated with that is bubbling up to the surface.

Fun times!

I hate feeling like this, but I honestly don’t know how to deal with it; apart from allowing myself to feel like absolute shit until the checkup’s done. The feelings won’t go away, so maybe just embrace them?

I haven’t taken many pictures of anything lately (not even selfies, which is like super weird). And I know it’s because I feel all these horrible, crying over everything, ugly feelings.

Anyhow, we’re going to town after lunch. So maybe I’ll make an effort, or something…

xoxo

IMG_7283I feel as if I have no idea of what I’m doing with my life. Everything continues as normal (whatever that means) and I wake up and go through the motions and then go back to sleep.

And then I do it again and again and again. As all of us do, I suppose.

It’s not that I want things to radically change.

I’m not even sure there’s anything wrong with this. All I’m wondering is: is this it? Am I not going to do anything else? I’m not old, nor am I young. I’m somewhere in the middle and sometimes I question what I have to show for it?

Take away my family, what do I have (I’m very happy I have my family, hubs and the horde are my hearts.)?

I guess I wish I was better at finishing things. As it is now I’m fairly certain I’ll never publish anything, seeing I don’t finish anything.

Then you have the need to edit texts and I get cheap and don’t feel like sending my crappy stories to anyone, because what’s the point?! They’re not good enough to be published, why should I spend any money on them?

IMG_7391

Ugh.

I’m back at work (have been for over two weeks) and I’m counting the days until I can have some extended leave. Why can’t I just be happy, content, with doing what I do? I suck!

My next shot at an extended leave is in late October btw…

I bought some new clothes at the beginning of summer. Stupid me on the other hand didn’t bother trying them on at the store and now I’m stuck with a shirt that’s too small.
Nothing to do but give it away and hope someone else can wear it.

I’m trying this capsule wardrobe thing where you only have a few items of clothing to choose from, but they all kinda match and you switch some of them according to season. Seeing that I kinda only wear three pieces of clothing during summer everything’s gone alright so far.
It’ll be interesting to see how it goes now that I’ve started working.

At first I felt happy with how my wardrobe now looks. Now I hate my clothes (again) and I can’t find anything to wear (again).

On the other hand. I finished the main mission in Mass Effect Andromeda. I really like the game. It’s pretty and fun and the characters are likable.

IMG_7301

Me in the Nomad.

At first I didn’t know if I’d ever play it more than once, but now I’ve created my second Pathfinder already and am thinking about how to play it differently. So yay!

School started today. Now all the hordelings are at school and everything feels strange. I had taken today off and ended up spending it by myself. Previously Pumpkin had to stay home with me if I had the day off, pre-school rules.

I have a few Tuesdays coming up where I’m taking the day off and I think I need to decide on something to do on those days. Or should I just stay home and do nothing?

Anyhow, it’s time to get dinner going.

Take care, hug someone!

xoxo

Well, I’ve had a week and a half of my summer holiday now. And time flies by too fast, I really don’t want this to end at all. 
It’s not like we’ve had excellent weather (it’s sunny but chilly and it really need to rain because the lawn is more yellow than green). 

I just really like being at home. I like getting to chose if I’m seeing anyone today, or if I’m not leaving the house. 

Besides, most of my friends are online (as in living in another country and not really someone you’d pop by to in an afternoon), or they live a 4h drive away, at least. 

I’m trying to figure out where all my childhood friends have gone to. And I realise I didn’t have that many close friends to begin with, three maybe? And they live ways away or I’ve completely lost touch with them. 

I’ve tried to reach out to the one living close by, but she’s so busy with her life that it’s almost impossible for us to find time. I guess she isn’t as interested in rekindling our friendship as I am. 

Ugh. I’ll just give up and cultivate whatever friendships I’ve made online. 


Hubs got me Mass Effect Andromeda a couple weeks back. It’s a very pretty game and so far I’m curious to see what the main story is about. What I have realised though, is that I’m absolutely terrible at FPS games. And I mean ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE

I can’t hit anything even if I threw the gun at them. But fuck that, I’m playing the game anyway and so far the only thing making me rage quit is a Remnant Architect. Mudderhumping three legged piece of robot shit! 

And I’m playing on Easy, so really, I shouldn’t have too much trouble. Why do I even play? Ugh. 

After lunch we’re off on a play date with the girls bffs, and I’ve made friends with the mum so I’ll be sat there drinking tea. 

Anyways, it’s breakfast time here and the horde needs feeding (if I can tear them away from YouTube and tv and other stuff that is). 

Take care, wear sunscreen, drink loads (of tea). 

xoxo 

img_20150327_101935This year has been hard on teenage Yheela.
So many of my musical heroes have died, along with some movie heroes too.

Is this what getting old feels like? 

I woke up this morning to the news that George Michael died yesterday.
It was only a few days ago I played his music deafeningly loud in my car.
I’ve cried this morning and I think I might cry again when hearing my favourite songs by him.
It’s almost like with Prince, I still can’t listen to all of his songs without breaking down a little.

Someone told me a couple of weeks ago that the music you listen to between ages 10 and 20 is the music you’ll listen to for the rest of your life. And I’d say it’s true. I have found a few new artists, but they do remind me of my old favourites.

On the other hand, 2016 has been very good to me too. I got a new job (although I did love my old one very much too) in my home parish and looking back I can say this autumn has been a good one.
I’ve made new friends and I’ve learnt new things. As it should be I guess. Now I have a week and a couple of days off before it all starts again.
New year, new opportunities.

Our Christmas was a quiet affair, as per usual. The horde were all happy about their gifts, the twins especially since they got phones. I’ve not seen much of them, they now spend much of their time in their rooms playing games and sending me funny texts.
We did take a walk yesterday though, my son wanted to catch a few Pokémons…

Today I’m taking them all to see ‘Sing’, I managed to book us seats at the local cinema. And if I’m quick I’ll be able to book us seats for one of the other kid’s films they’re showing during the Christmas holiday.

I’d like to go down to Gothenburg some day next week, to check out the sales and just get a change of scenery. Hubs is working though, so I don’t know if it’ll happen. I need to find a party dress for a wedding in January.
It says “dark suit”  on the invite and that means a posh dress (not too short and not floor length) and I do not have one of those. A posh dress that is, mine are all summer dresses and not posh at all.

chichiI checked a few online stores and think I found a brand I like, but looking in a store would be fun too (right now I’m liking these two, but I don’t know if they’re right).

And I’ll get to buy new shoes and jewelry and makeup and hair things and ALL THE GLITTERY STUFFS!

Also, I need to get this hair of mine sorted. Should I keep colouring it? Do I let it grow? Cut it shorter? Argh!

Maybe I ought to be happy my problems are my hair and that artists I like pass away… it’s hard to know your blessings when life meanders on as it should.

Anyway, I need to do stuffs. There’s Lego all over the kitchen from building the sets the horde got for Christmas and there’s laundry that needs folding etc etc…

I wish you all the best, these last days of 2016. ❤

xoxo

This is from today, at around 3PM. The sun was setting and as I’m writing this it’s pitch black outside. 

We had snow in the beginning of November, which was real nice since it made all the darkness go away a bit. Now it’s all rain and dark and miserable feelings all day every day… kinda, sorta, maybe. 

We’ve had sunny days, sure, but most days have been wet and rainy and foggy and meh. 

Right now I’m at the swimming pool, there’s a gym there too and an aerobics room in which my girls take ballet classes (Princess is still at it, Pumpkin is done and has been sitting here with me almost half an hour already). 

I did my shoulder physiotherapy as my youngest had her class. It’s getting better and I’m getting stronger, but now my shoulder hurts if I sit still for too long… like playing video games. Yay. 

Speaking of which. I just finished Mass Effect 3 today (again, for the umpteenth time). And I cannot wait for Mass Effect Andromeda to arrive next year! 

Sometimes I think I ought to branch out and try other games, but then I think why? I love ME and DA and they always make me feel better (happier) when I play them. 

Well. 

Maybe I need to find more people to hang out with instead? Maybe I need to “people” more? I miss having people who get me around. My days are filled with nothing but normals… it’s exhausting being the weird one every single day

I miss the people I only talk with online. I miss not having them here with me. I miss irl convos and laughter. 

Anyhow, ballet class is almost over. I need to get the girls home and shower and feed us. Maybe my sads is because I’m freaking hungry? 

xoxo 

I now have 10 days off work (God bless Swedish parental leave) and this is sooo sweet! 

Next week is Autumn holiday for the kids, a full week off school, so I took that week off as well. 

We don’t have anything special planned, which is all kinds of awesome. But I am thinking that I might take the twins to Gothenburg for a day. We’ll take the train, go through the shops (Science fiction bookstore here we come!) and eat Indian food for lunch. 

Also, NaNoWriMo starts Tuesday next week and I plan to attend. I have one story ready to go, but I know I’ll count all the writing I’ll do into NaNo. Because why the hell not. 

Anyhow, I have tea, there’s a fire in the hearth, hubs is playing Axiom Verge (which to me looks like a complete mindfuck) and I have nothing that needs doing right now. All is well… 

xoxo 

I have the stupid sads and nothing is helping. It’s like I’ve crawled head first into a hole and now I’m stuck, no amount of bum wiggling will get me out to see the light of day. 

Ugh…

All I want is to stay in bed. 

But I wake up tired and get out of bed and get dressed and put makeup on and eat breakfast (okay okay, I have a cuppa tea) and take littlests hordling to school and go to work and go through the motions and then I can’t sleep at night and I wake up tired the next day. 

Hubs thought I ought to take vitamins, which won’t hurt so I do. But I’m thinking I might need to go talk to someone, exercise more, find the happy again. 

I don’t know. 

Anyhow, one of my stories is coming along nicely and I really wish I could focus on that and nothing else. I’ll dream on… 

xoxo 

So, October. 

Darkness and pretty leaves. So far it’s not too bad, the days have been sunny and even though yesterday was chilly and this morning had frost it’s still been nice. 

I wish for an autumn with colourful trees, where the leaves stay on for quite some time. But it’s been dry and if the frost becomes a thing leaves will start falling by the buckets. 

I’ve always had a hard time with the coming darkness. November is usually very dark and gloomy, with no colour but brown, grey, black and white. 

I know I shouldn’t be thinking about it now, but somehow I need to prepare myself for it. I need to stock up on sunshine and colours. 

Also, let’s hope this winter comes with a decent amount of snow. That would brighten everything up nicely. 

Anyhow, I’m trying to get back to writing more (as in every day) and so far it’s going alright. Fingers crossed I’ll be able to keep it up, it makes me happy. 

xoxo 

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