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DSC_0180It’s time for me to make an appointment for a checkup at the hospital.

Every six months I go back to see if any of my moles or any other part of my skin has gone cancer on me. And every freaking time I fall into a big black hole of angst, the sads and “what ifs”…

Yeah I know.

It’s great that they check up on me, it’s good that they’ll catch any shit¬†cancer before it becomes really dangerous. But I can’t get past this fear of them wanting to cut me again! It eats me up from the inside and I don’t know what to do.

This time I’m also having issues with this thing called “the future”. I really don’t know what I want. Should I continue as I am, change jobs, work towards a ordination? I’m more or less sure of wanting to become a priest, though that’s going to take me quite a few years of studying… and I know I can’t work at the same time because I don’t do both well at the same time.

And then there’s my writing, which is such a great part of me too.

I want to write more, finish projects, feel it working for me. But as it is now, with me not doing great, I have to struggle to get even a few words down. All I do is read and listen to music (I’ve read close to 80 books in April, and the month’s not even over), I’m such a freak.

Argh! I can’t even blog about this without crying! I’ll just leave it at that.

As it is now I can’t be bothered with social media either, I’m sorry everyone who’s wondered where I’ve been, I don’t know when I’ll be back in action.

Anyhow, hubs got me “Jaws of Hakkon” (Dragon Age Inquisition DLC) for my birthday. I love that man so much! I’m also slaying dragons with my mage. If that doesn’t make me feel better, I don’t think there’s any hope for the future.

xoxo

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I’ve almost cleared my desk and the cabinet and drawers, there are just some folders I haven’t looked through yet. I need to take the big pile of paper I decided to throw away down to the dumpster (because they don’t empty the waste bin in the filing room until tomorrow and I can’t have that big pile of junk in my office one more day) and after that I only have some files on my laptop to sort.

I’ll be done by Wednesday, the latest… but I have to sit here on my butt (something not completely unpleasant since I have enough junk in my trunk to park comfortably anywhere).

ImageI guess I could read, write on my stories, paint my nails, learn origami… but there’s something about being at work with no work to do that doesn’t sit well with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I procrastinate with the best of them, but then I always have something I REALLY need to do but decide to ignore for the time being. Procrastination as such isn’t very thrilling.

Anyhow, my short story got stuck yesterday. It turned out baaaaad and I’m thinking of writing a new one (that, or I have to go in and rewrite most of it, which I don’t feel like right now). I have some other ideas in the back of my mind, more of seedlings than fully developed story lines, but that’s better than nothing. Right?

Right. Back to those last folders and that huge stack of papers…

xoxo

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