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Before I showered, I removed the big patch covering the tape and stitches on my chest. And then I cried. Because there’s yet another scar on my body. And there’s now three very close together and one of them was the melanoma I was diagnosed with 11 years ago. And it hurts and I can’t lift my arm and driving today was a bitch and I fucking hate this.

And if someone dares say something in the lines of “At least you’re in the system, they’ll find stuff quickly.”, because they want to comfort me. I’ll fucking scream! I don’t want to be in the system. I don’t want to have to go back every six months. I don’t want them to cut me again.

15 scars. 15 times I’ve lain there: the burning pain of local anaesthetics, felt them poke and prod, heard the sound of the scalpel cutting through skin, had blood trickle down my body and the tug of being sewn together again.

I’ve held it together marvellously Monday and Tuesday, didn’t cry over this once. But removing the patch and seeing the stitches through the brown tape… that broke me.

I’m going to try to play Dragon Age Inquisition, but since I’m in pain and since I hunch my back a bit to relieve the pain, I know I’ll not be able to play for very long before everything starts to ache. It kinda hurts already.


Good things? I’m on Wattpad. Posting short story collections and novels. Go check them out. Kthanxbye.

And, here’s a song I discovered some time last year, go give it a listen: Waste the Night by 5SOS (you’ll end up on the YouTubes)

Anyway, time to go kill things with my Elven two-handed warrior (Solasmancer, so I’m setting myself up for glorious heartbreak in Trespasser) and then it’s nearly time for old ladies to go to bed.

Be kind. Always.



Christmas has passed. We’re in these in between days that just are, that must be, before we step into the new year.

The picture is from two weeks ago. Winter wonderland. Today it’s all rain and gloom and darkness. We’ve passed the longest night by a week, but it’ll take time before we’ll notice any change.

I’m off work until school starts again, January 9th. Which is so nice. But on the other hand it’s a bit ugh to be at home with three kids that sulk about not finding friends to play with.

I get it, sitting at home isn’t very fun, at least not when you’re forced to hang out with your siblings 24/7. And a lot of families have gone away on holiday or visiting family over Christmas and New Year.

Sometimes I think we’re the only ones who have stayed at home.

I’ve slacked off on my workout routine and I’m paying for it by being in pain and feeling meh. So I went to the gym today and practically cried my way through it. I wish I could think of a way to make that whole experience fun… like reading books is fun, or having tea is fun, or watching films is fun.


Guess my New Years resolution will be to not be such a lazy fat ass. Which means I need to be the total opposite of what I am.

Also. I have a couple of weeks until my next skin checkup, so all the angst associated with that is bubbling up to the surface.

Fun times!

I hate feeling like this, but I honestly don’t know how to deal with it; apart from allowing myself to feel like absolute shit until the checkup’s done. The feelings won’t go away, so maybe just embrace them?

I haven’t taken many pictures of anything lately (not even selfies, which is like super weird). And I know it’s because I feel all these horrible, crying over everything, ugly feelings.

Anyhow, we’re going to town after lunch. So maybe I’ll make an effort, or something…


IMG_1093Midsummer in Sweden is usually a cold and rainy affair (June is our monsoon month after all, though people tend to forget that) but last Friday was unseasonably warm and sunny.

Not that I’m complaining mind, it’s just so very unusual and I for one was taken by surprise. Off came the jeans I had donned in the morning and on came the summer dress I haven’t worn in years (only because I haven’t bothered with mending the torn straps until earlier this year).

We had a lovely Midsummer, wen’t to the celebrations over in Vättlösa and met old friends and simply had a good time.

In the evening my parents came by, bringing Aquavit and strawberries. I ate my weight in new potatoes and pickled herring I think (NO REGRETS!).

IMG_1160Yesterday we went to Liseberg, along with friends and their kids. We had the best time and ended up staying over 10 hours at the amusement park! We had burgers and fries for lunch, ate so much sweets and ice cream and slush.
The twins went on so many rides, and so did Pumpkin, though she felt it was a little unfair that she wasn’t allowed on the really extreme ones…
“When I’m their age I’ll go on all those rides!”
“Yes my darling, you will.”

I got 6 books from the library last week and have read 5 of them already, the last one will be read tomorrow I think. It’s a Sarah Dessen favourite: What Happened to Goodbye.
I do wish they’d get all the Sarah Dessen books, along with all three Stephanie Perkins books I love and several other great great great YA writers I love.
I’ll have to talk with my librarian friend and see if I can convince her to get them all.

Another thing I’m trying to do this summer (at least during these six weeks of holiday I have) is to take better care of myself, find a way back to me and like what I see when I look in the mirror. As it is now I’m not very happy with myself.
The biggest issue I have is my skin: my moles and scars. I cannot NOT see it whenever I look in the mirror.
Right now I feel as if nothing I do makes me forget the fact that my skin makes me a freak and when I previously shook off comments I now just want to cry whenever someone says something about me. It’s really mostly young kids who wonder why I have so many “spots” and I tend to tell them that’s just the way it is, I can’t help it anymore than they can help the colour of their eyes.

IMG_1183Maybe I need to go see someone about this, find ways to beat the negative thoughts crowding my mind and making me feel less about myself.
As it is now I’ve even gone so far as to edit/remove moles in selfies before I post them anywhere. I don’t think anyone else has noticed, but I’ve felt better about the pictures, now without the freakish spots all over…

Anyhow, I’m going to finish reading this novel by Morgan Matson, Second Chance Summer and cry my eyes out doing so (I’ve read it before and I know how it ends and I know I’ll cry and I’ll read it anyway, because I can!).


2013-09-16 - 1This autumn has been the worst few months in quite some time.

I’m always down this time of year, it’s getting darker and colder and summer’s over and work begins again and… some of you might get what I’m saying.

I’ve stared projects (writing) during this time and everything’s sucked and most things aren’t even close to being done. I haven’t even kept up with this blog (duh!).

I also decided to enter NaNoWriMo this year for some freaking reason and even though I’m at 26.000 words (3 different stories, didn’t have an idea for a novel, so I’m cheating with short stories) I just feel like dropping the whole thing and crawl into my bed. Never to climb out again.

Buuut… family and work and this thing called “life” (don’t talk to me about it) has me getting up in the mornings. I do what I have to and the whole time I just want people to shut the fudge up and leave me alone.

Thank God for internet friends. They never get in your face, they mostly just get you and if you can’t deal you just chose to not interact with them. Not so easy irl, as people tend to get in your face all the time.

Don’t get me wrong, at the same time I love people. Like truly love them. But I haven’t got enough energy to keep my face smiling all the time, or listen to them, or work with them. So I flee to books and video games. These last 3 days I’ve read 6 books on Kindle and started a new character for Dragon Age Inquisition (honestly, that game is life).

After I type this I’m going to see if I can write a little on one of the short stories I have going on, I’m using this particular one for Saturday Scenes at the moment and need to get writing (I didn’t post anything this Saturday, I just… didn’t).

I had this list of things I wanted to get done this autumn, so far I’ve done none of those things and that isn’t really helping my situation. shitpissbuggerfuckall 

Also, this “Cheer up mate, it’s soon Christmas!” has me wanting to punch people in the face. Like really, that’s supposed to help me in any way? Fuck off.

Anyhow, I need to write something (anything) on my short story today, preferably before having to take Princess to the stables. And for those of you who care, The 1975 are my new musical obsession. Makes me wish I was 10 years younger, so I could lust after that cute drummer without feeling like a total cougar…


DSC_0180It’s time for me to make an appointment for a checkup at the hospital.

Every six months I go back to see if any of my moles or any other part of my skin has gone cancer on me. And every freaking time I fall into a big black hole of angst, the sads and “what ifs”…

Yeah I know.

It’s great that they check up on me, it’s good that they’ll catch any shit cancer before it becomes really dangerous. But I can’t get past this fear of them wanting to cut me again! It eats me up from the inside and I don’t know what to do.

This time I’m also having issues with this thing called “the future”. I really don’t know what I want. Should I continue as I am, change jobs, work towards a ordination? I’m more or less sure of wanting to become a priest, though that’s going to take me quite a few years of studying… and I know I can’t work at the same time because I don’t do both well at the same time.

And then there’s my writing, which is such a great part of me too.

I want to write more, finish projects, feel it working for me. But as it is now, with me not doing great, I have to struggle to get even a few words down. All I do is read and listen to music (I’ve read close to 80 books in April, and the month’s not even over), I’m such a freak.

Argh! I can’t even blog about this without crying! I’ll just leave it at that.

As it is now I can’t be bothered with social media either, I’m sorry everyone who’s wondered where I’ve been, I don’t know when I’ll be back in action.

Anyhow, hubs got me “Jaws of Hakkon” (Dragon Age Inquisition DLC) for my birthday. I love that man so much! I’m also slaying dragons with my mage. If that doesn’t make me feel better, I don’t think there’s any hope for the future.


Parties all weekend long

The twins had their parties this weekend and I’m almost falling asleep blogging about it.

We had 7 boys running about yesterday and 8 girls partying hard today. All of them were just darling and brought very nice gifts. My kids were overjoyed and for once I had no trouble putting them to bed (not even my little Pumpkin said too much about it, and she’s been with gran instead of at the parties).

Aaanyhow, I’m waiting for them to really be asleep before taking a shower and then letting myself pass out. Tomorrow’s the BIG day (cut cut cut), my husband’s driving me and that makes it less bad.

But still, IT SUCKS SO HARD that they need to remove moles because they might be early stage cancer (gorram it!).

Husband’s playing Skyrim (I got him a copy on Friday) and so far he’s started over about 8 times, don’t think he’s been past level 6 yet… I don’t get it.


Why not just play the damn game through and THEN try another character (he’s so weird with that, does it every game he plays)?!

Well, he’s asked for coffee and I need to take that shower.


This is me right now...

Bloody defending my essay tomorrow, getting cut up on Monday and no time for anything I really really need to get done.
Someone kidnap me, knock me unconscious or drug me!!! 

I need to get through the next four days somehow.


ImageWhen ever I feel really really crappy I grab a hold of my copy of Jane Austen’s Persuasion. Some days I read the whole thing, other (like super boring yesterday) I only read a few chapters, but it never fails to brighten my day. I might have to sit down for a while when the little one is sleeping (I should be cleaning, the dust bunnies underneath the couch are planning a war against the gravel in the utility room, might get horribly bloody)…

Something else that feels bloody crap to do is my uni essay. I have to sit down and gather the results from the test into some sort of graph and I need to scribble down some questions to ask my students (booooring and boring). My study buddy in Gothenburg must be ready to kill me by know since I’ve failed to deliver (I’m the worst student/study buddy ever). Shit happens I guess, and in this instance it’s work and everything coming at once (excuses excuses excuses).

Anyhow, today was Pumpkin’s first day at daycare. We spent an hour there looking at things and talking with the staff, the twins are just next door so we know everyone. It’s great that we were able to get a spot, but on the other hand I’m quite sad, I’ll miss the baby days (she hasn’t been a baby since she turned 1, but she’s still MY baby). She seemed really content, pulling toys out, looking at the other kids and wandering around exploring. This will be just fine, I know, but still… my baby’s all grown up! *sadface.*


Gorram, this daylight saving has really messed me up (yes, it’s possible to mess me up further, I’m not that far gone – yet)! The clock says 12.21, my body says 11.21 and tomorrow morning I have to get up at 5.30 (4.30 WTF!!!).

Mornings are EVIL and whoever came up with the idea of mornings should be made to suffer… a lot of horrible things (like getting up sodding-early o’clock)!

I hear the dust bunnies marching, better get the vacuum cleaner out and stop them before we have the 3d WW happening.



This is a small sample of the music of my youth (alright, I’m not that old, but it’s from my teens). I spent hours today looking through my CD collection, listening to music and remembering how it felt like listening to those songs when I was 15-16-17-18-19-20. Oh, glorious 90’s! Never mind the teenage angst, the spots, the weird clothes and the never ending stream of unrequited love (for a few years I changed love interests more often than I changed underwear).


Anyhow, I wonder how my kids are going to remember their teens. It’s not as if we buy that many CD’s anymore… I haven’t bought one in YEARS. Now all I do is listen to songs on Spotify or watch videos on YouTube, I even had to play my CD’s on our DVD player. But that was okay, because the kids and I rocked out to the music and I had a chance to indoctrinate them… [insert evil laugh]

As always on Sundays I’ve been to ballet, and even though I know my legs and bum and back will hurt tomorrow – it’s so totally worth it! Hopefully I get my shoes next week, dancing in socks isn’t that great: I slipped after a jump last week (made a total fool of myself, but no one seemed to notice as I do that all the time).


Thursday I’ve made an appointment to get my hair coloured and cut (loony is the word that comes to mind when I see myself in the mirror), but if I’m not completely mistaken I have to sit and guard the IB students Final MOCKS on Thursday… pleeeeease don’t be at the same time as my hair appointment! Please! 

Pwetty Please?


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