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IMG_5717Springtime. Foggy and cold mornings, sunny and warm afternoons. Me being all happy and shit one second, only to wanting to crawl into a corner and cry the next. Life is as it is, mostly good, sometimes great and often nothing but alright. Still, I overthink and worry and feel like shit.

I’m worried my lack of dreams will have me be this mediocre person for the rest of my life. Others seem to dream big and live big, and all I want is a cuppa tea and friends. Are my dreams and goals and wishes too small? Must we all dream big?

Sure I’d like to publish, but not enough for me to go through it all and self-pub. And sure, I’d like to finally get my degree, but not enough for me to actually contact my Uni. And yeah, I’d like to have nice and stylish clothes, but not enough to clean my wardrobe out and start afresh.

I would love to travel more, meeting people and eating food. But I also know that I’ll have time for that when the horde is older (we’re going on a family trip this year, so there will be travelling). I asked mum if she’d like to go to London with me in the Autumn, she said yes, so now I guess it’s all about finding a decent priced trip. 

And we do little things with the family all the time. I’m actually a homebody, preferring to not leave my house unless I have to, so this travelling bug biting me is also kinda weird.

Work has been good, I am so happy to be working where I live, but I’ve also wondered if I’m where I ought to be. Is there even such a place for us? Maybe we just do the best with where we’re at and that makes us happy/content? Hard easy questions…

IMG_5764I miss my irl friends. I miss them a lot. We live quite a ways apart, so it’s hard to meet up. And all I want is to have tea with them and just sit and talk, or not talk, just sit. To sit down with someone who knows me, who just gets me and that I know and get in return. There’s real comfort in that.

I’ve been listening a lot to music, it’s really just the same old songs that I always listen to, maybe mixed with a couple new songs, but knowing the lyrics make me feel better about everything. I just wish I could go listen to them live. But it’s hard when many if them don’t even exist anymore… shit, I still can’t listen to Prince without crying my eyes out.

Good thing though is that I seem to be entering a productive period when it comes to writing, ideas pop up and stay with me. Maybe I’ll finish a few projects I have lying about.

Anyhow, I need to lunch and soon my car’s back from having its tyres swapped (no more icy roads, I hope) and I can do the stuff at work I left for today.

xoxo

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I have a few things I’d love to do in April.

First I’d love to go see The 1975 in Stockholm April 6th (no, working and there’s no one to cover for me), second I’d love to go down to Gothenburg for the day (just walk around, people watching) and third I’d love for someone to make me the most chocolaty birthday cake (I’ll end up having to make it myself).

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Before we even get to April there’s Easter. I’m working tomorrow (Sunday) and the day after (bus trip with kids from work), but then I  have seven days off.
I’ve promised the horde the baking of cakes, the watching of films, for eldest to have her ears pierced, for them all to get their hair cut and for us to eat All The Easter Sweets.

So much to do, all of it/most of it only fun things.

At the moment I’m playing The 1975’s new album “I like it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it” on repeat, it’s like they have a song for every occasion.
I’d like to just disappear into the music and not resurface until some time in June. It’s almost as if my heartbeats are in sync with their songs.

Work wise it’s a lot the coming two months. Sleepovers and prepping end of term celebrations and making sure my Confirmation youth group get their act together for Confirmation.
I think I have one free weekend in April and the same goes for May. On the other hand June is much slower, but at the moment I can’t appreciate the fact.

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There are a few jobs out near where I live and I’m going to apply to them. I’d like to think I’m interesting enough for them to ask me to come for an interview, but on the other hand I don’t have a degree in anything and this makes me doubt myself. I have so many uni courses under my belt and work experience, but is that enough?
If I get to an interview I know I’ll be able to talk about myself well enough, and I like to think I’m a likable person. So that’s nothing I’m worried about. It’s presenting myself on paper, trying to make myself interesting enough for them to actually ask me to come for an interview that’s the scary part.

Anyhow, my writing has been frequent the last few weeks. I’ve completed several short stories and poems, in both Swedish and English and I still feel that there’s stuff left to write about. An awesome feeling after the big nothing I felt earlier this year. More tea I think and more The 1975 and more writing.

xoxo

ImageMy little Pumpkin seems to be developing a cold. We were up a few hours last night because she couldn’t sleep and she kept sneezing the whole time (yay – good times ahead). The others have yet to have any “back to school bugs” running around in their systems (just wait for it though). I myself feel like $h|t and if this headache/sore throat and general pain all over won’t go away, I’m staying home tomorrow.

Better to stay home and rest than run the risk of getting real sick…

It’s rather obvious that I’m more than out of it today (yes, more than usually and no I won’t get your jokes today).

In a little while I’m off to my next group, and today I’m working until 9.30 pm. I hate driving (alright, maybe not hate, but I dislike it, a lot) and whenever I’m tired everyone out on the roads are morons and should be relieved of their driver licence.

Today is one of those days when I really (really really) wish I would let myself stuff my face with whatnot and more. I could easily eat two chocolate bars (Snickers would be heaven!).

Anyhow, time to get moving…

xoxo

ImageToday has been both good and not so good. 

We finally got some snow again (about 5-6 cm I think) and ballet started again after our Christmas break. On the other hand I’m really tired, sad even, and I don’t know why. It could be that after ballet I did this cardio workout and actually strained myself a little too much.

I’m on day seven of the challenge and I haven’t skipped a day this week (proud moment here), nor have I eaten “unhealthy” things. Even when my friend Katrina sent us three (3!!!) boxes of chocolates (might have been for the kids though and I only got the card) I didn’t eat a single piece.

If you know me you KNOW  how big of a deal this is… I’m actually getting slightly grumpy thinking of all the chocolate I haven’t eaten. 

Yay me! 

Meh…

Anyhow, I need to start writing again. There’s a short story competition I would like to enter and then there’s my Swedish novel. Don’t know when and how I’ll find the time though (more not so good thoughts). 

xoxo 

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  • Better at being nice to me – talking walks and being outside.
  • Better at taking care of my body – working hard at finding an exercise regime that works for me.
  • Better at taking time – time for my writing and creativity.
  • Better at staying in touch – with those important to me.
  • Better at seeing good things – in every day, all the time.
  • Better at being a mother – giving my children more of my time.
  • Better at knowing my limits – weeding my life of those things I really don’t want in it.

Anyhow, work started today. Now it’s all “back to normal” again, whatever that is.

xoxo

My thought is try to summarize my year in this blog post.

Here are pictures, a short summary of that month and a few samples of my writing.

January

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Felt like $h!t and wanted to go home from work and never see that place again. I was even considering telling the principal I’d quit and let them handle all the grading etc that must be done before summer. Good thing my BFF told me to stick it out.

February

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Tried reading The Little White Horse (because it was JK Rowling’s favourite novel when she was little), only got about 3 chapters in and almost died from laughing when I read this.

I was also trying to write Swedish SF to send in to a competition. Finished it but won nothing.

Translated from Swedish.

Stars in the Sky
     “Big Dipper, Ursa Minor, Cassiopeia, Orion, Leo, Canis Minor …” She points them out one by one, mumbling quietly to herself not to forget, stuffs her hand into her pocket before the cold biting at her fingertips and stamp her feet to get the circulation going again. It smells like snow, and she looks away towards the mountains where the stars begin to disappear behind the clouds, she will have to be quick if everything is to be completed before the snow starts to fall.
The darkness is like a blanket around the small settlement and jacket LED light doesn’t do much more than to light up a few feet in front of her, but that’s enough to get the chores done. Wood must be collected, the fence checked, the well has to be covered and the generator seen to. A power outage in the middle of the night would be unthinkable. She shudders at the idea. First the fence, it rattles loudly as she yanks it to see if it is in place. Before she moves on, she makes sure it’s electrified again.

March

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Easter holiday and the family went to visit my parents. A day at Kolmården Animal Park is obligatory.

April

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Lovely students wished me a happy birthday with my own meme, that group was the only one I’d really miss… don’t get me wrong, I sort of miss all my students. Some just get closer to your heart.

Wrote some more short stories in Swedish.

A Sunny Day in May
He looks at me. Did I stare again? I don’t know, wasn’t really paying attention. Something in his eyes makes me start fidgeting and my mouth goes off by itself.
“I’m waiting for the others, they’re not here yet . We were supposed to meet here at three. I was early. I tend to be. But that’s okay today because it’s so nice.” Anything to fill the silence. He listens, nods and looks up at the church clock tower.
“They’re late.” I roll my eyes and look towards the park, but there’s no sign of them.
“They’re never on time, I always have to wait.” Trying to act nonchalant, but failing to hide my irritation. “It sucks, once I’d like to be the one who keeps them waiting. But it won’t happen. I’m too much of a  time pessimist ” SHUT UP! No, that’s impossible. Him standing here and smelling so nice and looking so hot does nothing to calm me. Shit. Leah focus, focus!
“Anyhow…” With an apologetic smile I look away towards the ice cream place. They have to show up soon.

May 

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Was told I just ruined a guys future at the school, because I wasn’t going to be there when next year started (I get massive bear hugs from him and a few others when I show my face there now). Also got 2 kg (about 4,4 lb) of chocolate and a lovely poster by the same group that gave me the meme (I’m not crying, just got something in my eye).

June 

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Last day at (then) awful workplace. The feeling of leaving that place was pure bliss!

July 

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A few days spent at the Swedish West Coast. Lovely doesn’t even begin to describe it. Last year’s summer was brilliant.

August

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New job and a new office. I was so happy I only had to be out of work a Friday (old job ended August 16th, a Thursday, and new started August 19, a Monday). I’m still very happy and feel blessed to have gotten this job.

September 

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This fortune cookie seemed to have spoken the truth. Now I have a short story that’s about to be published in an anthology and I have my Swedish novel that is sought after.

October 

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Rome and Assisi, a lovely 4 days in Italy. With lots of churches and ice cream. Had gotten bling bling nails for this trip and I felt ever so classy. In Italy I also had so much time for writing, and I wish to go back. Assisi is beautiful and a few days sitting at a cafe with my notebook would be wonderful.

The other short stories I had thought might fit the competition are all handwritten in my notebook, so there will be no sneak peak of those. Another time perhaps.

November 

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Full speed ahead for my short story. I felt that I had a good one and really hoped they’d like it.

December 

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Christmas preparations and celebrations. Mum and I made doughnuts (DELISH) and I now feel that I could make them on my own. I was told that my Viking Steampunk short story was accepted for the Borderlands Anthology, a big thing for me as English isn’t my first language and I didn’t know who and what I was up against.

Once Upon a Frozen North
The best way to approach Birka is by boat. Gliding towards the giant Viking city, the towers and longhouses slowly rise from the water, the longship’s steam engine purring beneath your feet. It’s the best feeling in the world. A busy frenzy keeps everyone running about at the big harbour; cargo is hauled off and on the hundreds of ships that lay aft by bow, the red and white sails tied to the mast. The smell of fish and motor oil is only overwhelmed by the stench from the tanneries preparing leather and furs to be traded for precious stones and metal.

Ups and downs, like every year. New friends and new places, making me feel so blessed.

I hope your 2014 brings everything you wish for and that we all can give a little more love to the world, making it a better place.

xoxo

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I’ve (finally) finished editing my Viking Steampunk short story. Took me long enough! There wasn’t that much that needed doing, just a few commas to remove or add and a little tweaking when it came to the story.

I’m so proud of myself! 

In a minute I’ll send this version off and we’ll see what else needs editing before it’s all done.

I know there are more things I could blog about, but honesty.

I’m too tired.

Pumpkin was awake a few hours last night and I only got about 4 h of sleep (thus I’m really hoping this editing stuff’s gone well, and isn’t just my very tired brain thinking I did a good job).

Anyhow, it’s time for me to paint my nails. Because that’s what I get to do when I’m done with the edit. That, and drink more tea.

xoxo

And he’s perfect. In every way as he should be, strong and handsome, enormous and a lovely shade of red. His arrogance and belief in himself makes me want to purr.

The perfect dragon; my wonderful Smaug.

I clapped my hands when he appeared in the movie (The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, if there’s any doubt of which movie I’m speaking of) and squealed with delight.

Dragons are beyond awesome!

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Smaug by John Howe

I’m struggling with another edit on my Viking Steampunk short story, I can tell English isn’t my first language… kinda depressing, but good (it would be nice to just get things right, once in a while). There are 23 pages to go through, at the moment I’ve printed the text with the comments visible and I plan to sit down and just DO IT tomorrow. We’ll see how far I get before I want to shoot myself.

I have to get this done, so I can start with my novel in Swedish (which I’d like to be half done before the end of the year). Wishful thinking, I KNOW, but aim for the stars… (and you’ll end up in the canopies). I really can’t believe that all is happening at the same time, it’s like a dam has broken and I’m being flooded by things tied to my writing. Fun, but slightly confusing at the same time.

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Swoon material #1!

Today is Jane Austen’s birthday – Happy Birthday you wonderful woman you!  

I’m celebrating by watching Pride and Prejudice (2005) and by spamming the web with this picture of Mr Darcy:

The horde and I made Christmas sweets today, Rocky Road (stuffed with all kind of good stuff) and what I’ve translated to: Disappears with Delight. It’s basically fudge with melted chocolate added into the mix, crazy delish and addictive (I have to slap myself not to eat it all!).

Anyhow, this is the last week of work before Christmas holiday, I’ll get three (3!!!) weeks and only have to take 4 days off. That’s what happens when Christmas and New Years are in the middle of the week (in Sweden at least).

On Thursday I have  checkup at the hospital, I so hope they won’t cut me before Christmas, or tell me they have to remove a mole after the holidays (don’t need to have that on my mind now, do I?!)

Alright, back to Elizabeth and Darcy and NOT eating anymore of that candy…

xoxo

IMG_20130410_131224Okiday, tomorrow is half a day at uni (it’s really a full day, but I’m skiving after lunch). We have to bring a test, answer questions and tell our group members all about it. Fun times, fun times indeed! 

It’s up at 5.20 (seriously, that’s soooo messed up!!!) and non-stop from 9-12.30, I have to get on a train at 12.55 to be in time for work in the afternoon… and I end the day with the youth groups’ Christmas party (which will be awesome, but then not, since I’ve been up since 5-ish a-clock).

I’m giving myself another 30 min before I have to head to bed, don’t know what I’ll get up to… Twitter is always fun, I’ve met so many awesome people there, and on Google+, but I think I enjoy Twitter more.

Anyhow, I’ve drunk my tea, I’ve done the task for tomorrow and I’ve removed my makeup. Think I’ll read in bed. Sarah Dessen’s “Just Listen” (OMG IT’S SO FREAKING AWESOME!!!).

xoxo

There have been a lot of things going on lately… I’m a little dazed and confused by it all, but in a good way (if there is a good way to be dazed and confused).

Writing wise things are looking up, it really feels as James says in a blog post about writing: “You have to write a million words before you’re any good at it (totally paraphrasing here!).” I bet I’ve written a million words by now, if not, I’m very close.

About two years back I sent a query to a publisher about a book I was writing, then they had no time to make anything of it. They emailed me a couple of days ago asking me if I was interested in going forwards with the whole thing. Honestly, I haven’t written anything in almost two years, life has gotten in between and there have been other projects that have gotten precedence.

I still have the story within me though (brill thing about your own stories, they stay there until you’re ready to write them out) and I’m going to do my very best to get it all down in written form.

Good thing I only have two more weeks at work before Christmas holiday, this year I only need take four days leave to get three weeks at home with the family! I do have things need doing uni wise and I am going to Gothenburg for a seminar on Wednesday morning.

These things shan’t come in the way of my writing, I will prevail and hopefully have that novel ready before new years… if not: c’est la vie! 

Anyhow, we got more snow today but my pessimist husband says they’ve promised rain by the end of the week (nooooooooo). I want winter!

xoxo

Snow

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