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IMG_5717Springtime. Foggy and cold mornings, sunny and warm afternoons. Me being all happy and shit one second, only to wanting to crawl into a corner and cry the next. Life is as it is, mostly good, sometimes great and often nothing but alright. Still, I overthink and worry and feel like shit.

I’m worried my lack of dreams will have me be this mediocre person for the rest of my life. Others seem to dream big and live big, and all I want is a cuppa tea and friends. Are my dreams and goals and wishes too small? Must we all dream big?

Sure I’d like to publish, but not enough for me to go through it all and self-pub. And sure, I’d like to finally get my degree, but not enough for me to actually contact my Uni. And yeah, I’d like to have nice and stylish clothes, but not enough to clean my wardrobe out and start afresh.

I would love to travel more, meeting people and eating food. But I also know that I’ll have time for that when the horde is older (we’re going on a family trip this year, so there will be travelling). I asked mum if she’d like to go to London with me in the Autumn, she said yes, so now I guess it’s all about finding a decent priced trip. 

And we do little things with the family all the time. I’m actually a homebody, preferring to not leave my house unless I have to, so this travelling bug biting me is also kinda weird.

Work has been good, I am so happy to be working where I live, but I’ve also wondered if I’m where I ought to be. Is there even such a place for us? Maybe we just do the best with where we’re at and that makes us happy/content? Hard easy questions…

IMG_5764I miss my irl friends. I miss them a lot. We live quite a ways apart, so it’s hard to meet up. And all I want is to have tea with them and just sit and talk, or not talk, just sit. To sit down with someone who knows me, who just gets me and that I know and get in return. There’s real comfort in that.

I’ve been listening a lot to music, it’s really just the same old songs that I always listen to, maybe mixed with a couple new songs, but knowing the lyrics make me feel better about everything. I just wish I could go listen to them live. But it’s hard when many if them don’t even exist anymore… shit, I still can’t listen to Prince without crying my eyes out.

Good thing though is that I seem to be entering a productive period when it comes to writing, ideas pop up and stay with me. Maybe I’ll finish a few projects I have lying about.

Anyhow, I need to lunch and soon my car’s back from having its tyres swapped (no more icy roads, I hope) and I can do the stuff at work I left for today.

xoxo

img_4906Ugh. January has been rough.

Pirate has suffered an ear infection that wouldn’t go away, we went to see a specialist and they said he was fine. His ears still hurt from time to time, but apparently they can be like that for no reason. So yeah.
Now we won’t know if he has an ear infection or if his ears are just being dumb… fun.

Pumpkin had a stomach bug last weekend, preventing me from going to work on Monday (because stomach bug quarantine) and *this* weekend Princess suffered from the same thing.

So here I am, home on a Monday, feeling the workload piling up on me.
Parenting fun times! 

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One awesome thing about January though, was the wedding hubs and I attended this weekend (the horde had sleepovers at grandparents). Our very good friends (finally) got married and we had an occasion to go to Stockholm and dress up fancy fancy.

It was wonderful, warm and welcoming and so classy. I admire her way of always finding the prettiest things to make everything lovely. Good food and great company.

Also, the chance to dress up in finery comes far too seldom for me. All my pretty shoes are just lying there in the wardrobe, waiting for parties.
I wish it would be sensible for me to wear my heels to work, but alas… trainers are the only  thing that really work.

Today my grandfather (paternal) would have turned 100 years old. He passed away 1989. Just think of all the things he saw when growing up. Everything that changed in the world. Just think of all the things that changed after 1989! Happy birthday grandpa Mauritz!

Time’s a funny thing, moving fast and slow and sometimes you don’t know where it went. This year I’ve been married for 15 years, a mother of twins for 10 and my youngest turns 6 and starts school in August.

And yet, I don’t feel as if time has passed by much at all. What’s changed? Has anything changed? I don’t know.

img_4901The sun will rise and set and the world will turn and we will keep doing dumb shit to  each other. But wouldn’t it be soooo much better if we all just were good to each other.

Be good people. Always.

Anyhow, I need to amuse my hordelings. Princess has expressed a wish to watch Pride and Prejudice (1995) and who am I to refuse her such brilliant watching?

xoxo

img_20150327_101935This year has been hard on teenage Yheela.
So many of my musical heroes have died, along with some movie heroes too.

Is this what getting old feels like? 

I woke up this morning to the news that George Michael died yesterday.
It was only a few days ago I played his music deafeningly loud in my car.
I’ve cried this morning and I think I might cry again when hearing my favourite songs by him.
It’s almost like with Prince, I still can’t listen to all of his songs without breaking down a little.

Someone told me a couple of weeks ago that the music you listen to between ages 10 and 20 is the music you’ll listen to for the rest of your life. And I’d say it’s true. I have found a few new artists, but they do remind me of my old favourites.

On the other hand, 2016 has been very good to me too. I got a new job (although I did love my old one very much too) in my home parish and looking back I can say this autumn has been a good one.
I’ve made new friends and I’ve learnt new things. As it should be I guess. Now I have a week and a couple of days off before it all starts again.
New year, new opportunities.

Our Christmas was a quiet affair, as per usual. The horde were all happy about their gifts, the twins especially since they got phones. I’ve not seen much of them, they now spend much of their time in their rooms playing games and sending me funny texts.
We did take a walk yesterday though, my son wanted to catch a few Pokémons…

Today I’m taking them all to see ‘Sing’, I managed to book us seats at the local cinema. And if I’m quick I’ll be able to book us seats for one of the other kid’s films they’re showing during the Christmas holiday.

I’d like to go down to Gothenburg some day next week, to check out the sales and just get a change of scenery. Hubs is working though, so I don’t know if it’ll happen. I need to find a party dress for a wedding in January.
It says “dark suit”  on the invite and that means a posh dress (not too short and not floor length) and I do not have one of those. A posh dress that is, mine are all summer dresses and not posh at all.

chichiI checked a few online stores and think I found a brand I like, but looking in a store would be fun too (right now I’m liking these two, but I don’t know if they’re right).

And I’ll get to buy new shoes and jewelry and makeup and hair things and ALL THE GLITTERY STUFFS!

Also, I need to get this hair of mine sorted. Should I keep colouring it? Do I let it grow? Cut it shorter? Argh!

Maybe I ought to be happy my problems are my hair and that artists I like pass away… it’s hard to know your blessings when life meanders on as it should.

Anyway, I need to do stuffs. There’s Lego all over the kitchen from building the sets the horde got for Christmas and there’s laundry that needs folding etc etc…

I wish you all the best, these last days of 2016. ❤

xoxo

Today was glorious! Sunshine and a light breeze and happiness and sweets and tasty foods and all the good things. 

I’m at camp with one of my youth groups, a two night layover ending with Sunday service tomorrow. 

My room is cold af tho, I think the radiator isn’t working at all… oh well, could be worse. We could have been staying in tents! 

Anyhow, I have a few hours off right now and I’m gonna spend them reading and trying to get warm. 

xoxo 

I have the stupid sads and nothing is helping. It’s like I’ve crawled head first into a hole and now I’m stuck, no amount of bum wiggling will get me out to see the light of day. 

Ugh…

All I want is to stay in bed. 

But I wake up tired and get out of bed and get dressed and put makeup on and eat breakfast (okay okay, I have a cuppa tea) and take littlests hordling to school and go to work and go through the motions and then I can’t sleep at night and I wake up tired the next day. 

Hubs thought I ought to take vitamins, which won’t hurt so I do. But I’m thinking I might need to go talk to someone, exercise more, find the happy again. 

I don’t know. 

Anyhow, one of my stories is coming along nicely and I really wish I could focus on that and nothing else. I’ll dream on… 

xoxo 

I know I’m tired and it’s late-ish and dark and I’m listening to depressing songs on Spotify… but the sads are a thing. 

I miss my friends from my old job. They were arses (lovely ones) some days, but mostly they were just plain gorgeous. I miss having people who GET me. There are no nerds at my current job… 

I play the adult 24/7 and ohmygod is it boring. I feel the crazed Potterhead, the sci-fi freak, the video game nutter wanting to break out and I don’t know how to do it. Must I crack open my blue lip cream and unicorn glitter eyeshadow? 

Anyhow, I’ll continue listening to these sad sad songs and read my ebook until bedtime. And tomorrow I’ll go back to pretending to have my shit together. 

xoxo 

whale-watchI had planned on going to Gothenburg Book Fair tomorrow (that would be Saturday), but I’m so fatigued that the thought of pushing and shoving my way through throngs of book crazy bookworms has lost its appeal.

The Book Fair is the BEST THING all year, and it hurts not going, but I gotta take care of me… I’m going to go get my hair sorted. It’s in need of a cut and a colour and I might buy some makeup too. I need more translucent powder, scraping the pan at the moment.

There are good things happening too tho. I have tickets to The 1975’s concert in Stockholm in February (which makes up for so many other things going pear shaped atm). I’m dragging hubs there, only fair since he’s dragged me along to all kind of concerts with bands I really have no interest in.

 

And in January our good friends are getting married, so there’s a trip to Stockholm happening then too. I love weddings, they’re always so much fun! Also, I’m seeing this as an opportunity to buy a new party dress (YUSSSSS!), dare I go for shoes too? SHOES!!!!!

The twins are off to a birthday party tonight, and I’m thinking maybe I’ll have time for a bath (using the Galaxy bath bomb from Lush) and a read. Yeah. That sounds nice.

Anyhow, I think I’ll have a bit of a read now too…

xoxo

IMG_1093Midsummer in Sweden is usually a cold and rainy affair (June is our monsoon month after all, though people tend to forget that) but last Friday was unseasonably warm and sunny.

Not that I’m complaining mind, it’s just so very unusual and I for one was taken by surprise. Off came the jeans I had donned in the morning and on came the summer dress I haven’t worn in years (only because I haven’t bothered with mending the torn straps until earlier this year).

We had a lovely Midsummer, wen’t to the celebrations over in Vättlösa and met old friends and simply had a good time.

In the evening my parents came by, bringing Aquavit and strawberries. I ate my weight in new potatoes and pickled herring I think (NO REGRETS!).

IMG_1160Yesterday we went to Liseberg, along with friends and their kids. We had the best time and ended up staying over 10 hours at the amusement park! We had burgers and fries for lunch, ate so much sweets and ice cream and slush.
The twins went on so many rides, and so did Pumpkin, though she felt it was a little unfair that she wasn’t allowed on the really extreme ones…
“When I’m their age I’ll go on all those rides!”
“Yes my darling, you will.”

I got 6 books from the library last week and have read 5 of them already, the last one will be read tomorrow I think. It’s a Sarah Dessen favourite: What Happened to Goodbye.
I do wish they’d get all the Sarah Dessen books, along with all three Stephanie Perkins books I love and several other great great great YA writers I love.
I’ll have to talk with my librarian friend and see if I can convince her to get them all.

Another thing I’m trying to do this summer (at least during these six weeks of holiday I have) is to take better care of myself, find a way back to me and like what I see when I look in the mirror. As it is now I’m not very happy with myself.
The biggest issue I have is my skin: my moles and scars. I cannot NOT see it whenever I look in the mirror.
Right now I feel as if nothing I do makes me forget the fact that my skin makes me a freak and when I previously shook off comments I now just want to cry whenever someone says something about me. It’s really mostly young kids who wonder why I have so many “spots” and I tend to tell them that’s just the way it is, I can’t help it anymore than they can help the colour of their eyes.

IMG_1183Maybe I need to go see someone about this, find ways to beat the negative thoughts crowding my mind and making me feel less about myself.
As it is now I’ve even gone so far as to edit/remove moles in selfies before I post them anywhere. I don’t think anyone else has noticed, but I’ve felt better about the pictures, now without the freakish spots all over…

Anyhow, I’m going to finish reading this novel by Morgan Matson, Second Chance Summer and cry my eyes out doing so (I’ve read it before and I know how it ends and I know I’ll cry and I’ll read it anyway, because I can!).

xoxo

IMG_0958The Last Day.

I’m not going to come back here (to work) after today, this is it. And it feels so strange. Last time I had a Last Day I was at a job I didn’t care for anymore, I couldn’t wait to be gone from there. That was three years ago and the years following have been so good in relation to what I felt back then.
Leaving a place you still love working at is a new feeling for me, and it’s bitter and sweet and happy and sad and just plain weird…

Oh well, I guess I can always come back and visit if I miss them too much. But first I’ll have my 6 weeks of summer holiday and just try to do as little as possible.

I’m writing more again, I even finished a couple of short stories (ikr! Incredible!) and I’ll be using them for future Saturday Scenes. I’m really happy with one of them, I think I’ll post that one in its entirety on my writer’s blog and just a snippet for Saturday Scenes.

Tomorrow I’m getting the stitches on my stomach taken out, the ones on my back have to stay another week. It’s beginning to get really annoying having them yank and hurt whenever I move around too much or too fast. I’m so so so done with this.

I’ve started Dragon Age Inquisition again, that game is LIFE! And I’m totally romancing Cullen again, because I cannot not romance him… he’s the bread to my Inquisitor’s butter. Mmm… Cullen… mmm.

Anyhow, it’s lunchtime and I’m going out for lunch (I refuse to bring frozen leftover pasta for lunch. I REFUSE!). Maybe I’ll check out a few shops while I’m out too, it’s a looong day at work today…

xoxo

Oh well, I knew stitches would suck, but I had kinda forgotten how bad they actually DO suck… 
I’ve had trouble driving (even riding in the car has hurt like a mother) so I had to take Monday off from work. This means I have to work longer days Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. 

And it’s not as if I have TONS of stuff to do, lots of the things needing doing are for next term and I won’t really be there then, will I? 

Tomorrow morning I do have a bit of stuff to do, I’m taking A to have a look see at books and things for the preschool group she’s taking over from me (I’m so totally going to miss her so much! She’s awesome and funny and kind and a lot like me, but 13 years younger). I love you A! 

We’re going out on Friday, five of us from work, and I’m trying to think of what to wear. I’ll still have my stitches so that kinda limits what I have to choose from. Also, this restricts my choice of footwear… I’d love to wear heals, but no way I can manage that right now. 

I’ll most likely end up in jeans and a tee (dare I break out the flannel?) and my Doc’s. Guess I’ll just have to glam my face up or something. 

Anyhow, it seems impossible to get to the UK to see Goo Goo Dolls. Expensive as phukk. My life sucks. 

xoxo

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