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IMG_7283I feel as if I have no idea of what I’m doing with my life. Everything continues as normal (whatever that means) and I wake up and go through the motions and then go back to sleep.

And then I do it again and again and again. As all of us do, I suppose.

It’s not that I want things to radically change.

I’m not even sure there’s anything wrong with this. All I’m wondering is: is this it? Am I not going to do anything else? I’m not old, nor am I young. I’m somewhere in the middle and sometimes I question what I have to show for it?

Take away my family, what do I have (I’m very happy I have my family, hubs and the horde are my hearts.)?

I guess I wish I was better at finishing things. As it is now I’m fairly certain I’ll never publish anything, seeing I don’t finish anything.

Then you have the need to edit texts and I get cheap and don’t feel like sending my crappy stories to anyone, because what’s the point?! They’re not good enough to be published, why should I spend any money on them?

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Ugh.

I’m back at work (have been for over two weeks) and I’m counting the days until I can have some extended leave. Why can’t I just be happy, content, with doing what I do? I suck!

My next shot at an extended leave is in late October btw…

I bought some new clothes at the beginning of summer. Stupid me on the other hand didn’t bother trying them on at the store and now I’m stuck with a shirt that’s too small.
Nothing to do but give it away and hope someone else can wear it.

I’m trying this capsule wardrobe thing where you only have a few items of clothing to choose from, but they all kinda match and you switch some of them according to season. Seeing that I kinda only wear three pieces of clothing during summer everything’s gone alright so far.
It’ll be interesting to see how it goes now that I’ve started working.

At first I felt happy with how my wardrobe now looks. Now I hate my clothes (again) and I can’t find anything to wear (again).

On the other hand. I finished the main mission in Mass Effect Andromeda. I really like the game. It’s pretty and fun and the characters are likable.

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Me in the Nomad.

At first I didn’t know if I’d ever play it more than once, but now I’ve created my second Pathfinder already and am thinking about how to play it differently. So yay!

School started today. Now all the hordelings are at school and everything feels strange. I had taken today off and ended up spending it by myself. Previously Pumpkin had to stay home with me if I had the day off, pre-school rules.

I have a few Tuesdays coming up where I’m taking the day off and I think I need to decide on something to do on those days. Or should I just stay home and do nothing?

Anyhow, it’s time to get dinner going.

Take care, hug someone!

xoxo

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IMG_5717Springtime. Foggy and cold mornings, sunny and warm afternoons. Me being all happy and shit one second, only to wanting to crawl into a corner and cry the next. Life is as it is, mostly good, sometimes great and often nothing but alright. Still, I overthink and worry and feel like shit.

I’m worried my lack of dreams will have me be this mediocre person for the rest of my life. Others seem to dream big and live big, and all I want is a cuppa tea and friends. Are my dreams and goals and wishes too small? Must we all dream big?

Sure I’d like to publish, but not enough for me to go through it all and self-pub. And sure, I’d like to finally get my degree, but not enough for me to actually contact my Uni. And yeah, I’d like to have nice and stylish clothes, but not enough to clean my wardrobe out and start afresh.

I would love to travel more, meeting people and eating food. But I also know that I’ll have time for that when the horde is older (we’re going on a family trip this year, so there will be travelling). I asked mum if she’d like to go to London with me in the Autumn, she said yes, so now I guess it’s all about finding a decent priced trip. 

And we do little things with the family all the time. I’m actually a homebody, preferring to not leave my house unless I have to, so this travelling bug biting me is also kinda weird.

Work has been good, I am so happy to be working where I live, but I’ve also wondered if I’m where I ought to be. Is there even such a place for us? Maybe we just do the best with where we’re at and that makes us happy/content? Hard easy questions…

IMG_5764I miss my irl friends. I miss them a lot. We live quite a ways apart, so it’s hard to meet up. And all I want is to have tea with them and just sit and talk, or not talk, just sit. To sit down with someone who knows me, who just gets me and that I know and get in return. There’s real comfort in that.

I’ve been listening a lot to music, it’s really just the same old songs that I always listen to, maybe mixed with a couple new songs, but knowing the lyrics make me feel better about everything. I just wish I could go listen to them live. But it’s hard when many if them don’t even exist anymore… shit, I still can’t listen to Prince without crying my eyes out.

Good thing though is that I seem to be entering a productive period when it comes to writing, ideas pop up and stay with me. Maybe I’ll finish a few projects I have lying about.

Anyhow, I need to lunch and soon my car’s back from having its tyres swapped (no more icy roads, I hope) and I can do the stuff at work I left for today.

xoxo

I’ve learned something. And though some might think that this is something everybody ought to know, it’s taken me time to actually realise it. 

Although this will probably not mean I’ll take it to heart all the time. (I’m sure there will be days when this lesson is forgotten and I’m back to my old ways.) Hopefully I’ll have more days when I remember than days when I forget. 

I’ll let Newt Scamander tell you what I’ve learned: 


This! 

This is what I’ve learnt. Also, this is what I’ve experienced in the last month or so… 

I’ve worried about stuff, lost sleep and happiness over it, and then they’ve turned out alright anyway. I suppose I’m lucky in that respect: that everything has turned out alright. 

Hubs told me last night that I overthink things. And he’s absolutely right. The thing is that I absolutely hate conflicts, I hate having someone being angry with me. It makes me so very unhappy and anxious. 

And me worrying about work things is me worrying about people at work being angry with me. Everyone fucks up from time to time, this I know, but I hate when I do (because of the maybe conflict that could happen). Ugh! 

I envy those who seem to go through life and not let things like that effect them. But I cannot escape the fact that angry (hateful) words and actions hit me very hard. It’s like I’m not equipped with any tools to shrug them off or ignore them completely. 

This does not mean I’m a pushover. No! I know what I want and where I want to go and who I want in my life. But I chose to ignore and block those irl and online that give off angry/hateful/negative vibes. 

I do not need that in my life.  


Anyhow, I’ve worked today (Sunday service and kid’s choir and stuffs) and now I’m going to not do too much at all. We’re going ice skating later, there’s an outdoor rink one town away. 

So tea and books and love until then. 

xoxo 

img_4906Ugh. January has been rough.

Pirate has suffered an ear infection that wouldn’t go away, we went to see a specialist and they said he was fine. His ears still hurt from time to time, but apparently they can be like that for no reason. So yeah.
Now we won’t know if he has an ear infection or if his ears are just being dumb… fun.

Pumpkin had a stomach bug last weekend, preventing me from going to work on Monday (because stomach bug quarantine) and *this* weekend Princess suffered from the same thing.

So here I am, home on a Monday, feeling the workload piling up on me.
Parenting fun times! 

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One awesome thing about January though, was the wedding hubs and I attended this weekend (the horde had sleepovers at grandparents). Our very good friends (finally) got married and we had an occasion to go to Stockholm and dress up fancy fancy.

It was wonderful, warm and welcoming and so classy. I admire her way of always finding the prettiest things to make everything lovely. Good food and great company.

Also, the chance to dress up in finery comes far too seldom for me. All my pretty shoes are just lying there in the wardrobe, waiting for parties.
I wish it would be sensible for me to wear my heels to work, but alas… trainers are the only  thing that really work.

Today my grandfather (paternal) would have turned 100 years old. He passed away 1989. Just think of all the things he saw when growing up. Everything that changed in the world. Just think of all the things that changed after 1989! Happy birthday grandpa Mauritz!

Time’s a funny thing, moving fast and slow and sometimes you don’t know where it went. This year I’ve been married for 15 years, a mother of twins for 10 and my youngest turns 6 and starts school in August.

And yet, I don’t feel as if time has passed by much at all. What’s changed? Has anything changed? I don’t know.

img_4901The sun will rise and set and the world will turn and we will keep doing dumb shit to  each other. But wouldn’t it be soooo much better if we all just were good to each other.

Be good people. Always.

Anyhow, I need to amuse my hordelings. Princess has expressed a wish to watch Pride and Prejudice (1995) and who am I to refuse her such brilliant watching?

xoxo


I don’t know where time went. On a vacation to Aruba? I would like to go to Aruba. Lie on a beach, drink straight from a coconut and just be. Actually anywhere would be nice, vacations are always nice. 

Okay, reality. 

I’ve started my new job, it’s been a month soon already. So far I’m liking it. A lot. Working in my community, my parish, with people I know is great. Networking and getting to know people is marvellous. Sure there are things that are slightly stressful, but in what line of work do you never encounter stress? 

And everyone’s very keen on me feeling up to the task and not taking on too much stuff. I know that if I were to say I felt overwhelmed they’d step in and help me with everything. 

Lovely people. 

We went on a trip to Uppsala this week (Monday to Wednesday and chock-a-block full of sightseeing). 

Although we did have a few hours free on Tuesday afternoon and I got to hang out with my mate Rikard, who I had only chatted with online (is it 2 years or more? I can’t remember) but since I was in the vicinity we decided to meet. 

I had a grand old time, he was just as darling as I hoped he would be. Not that I had any fears he’d be anything but. It was nice to hang out with someone who likes the same things, comics and books and stuff. 

My colleagues aren’t as nerdy as I am, so I haven’t really found anyone to talk to about ALL GREAT THINGS IN LIFE. Which is slightly sad (I miss Amanda and Fredrik from my old job, they got me). 

Anyhow, supper’s ready and I think we still have cheese puffs somewhere. 

xoxo 

IMG_0958The Last Day.

I’m not going to come back here (to work) after today, this is it. And it feels so strange. Last time I had a Last Day I was at a job I didn’t care for anymore, I couldn’t wait to be gone from there. That was three years ago and the years following have been so good in relation to what I felt back then.
Leaving a place you still love working at is a new feeling for me, and it’s bitter and sweet and happy and sad and just plain weird…

Oh well, I guess I can always come back and visit if I miss them too much. But first I’ll have my 6 weeks of summer holiday and just try to do as little as possible.

I’m writing more again, I even finished a couple of short stories (ikr! Incredible!) and I’ll be using them for future Saturday Scenes. I’m really happy with one of them, I think I’ll post that one in its entirety on my writer’s blog and just a snippet for Saturday Scenes.

Tomorrow I’m getting the stitches on my stomach taken out, the ones on my back have to stay another week. It’s beginning to get really annoying having them yank and hurt whenever I move around too much or too fast. I’m so so so done with this.

I’ve started Dragon Age Inquisition again, that game is LIFE! And I’m totally romancing Cullen again, because I cannot not romance him… he’s the bread to my Inquisitor’s butter. Mmm… Cullen… mmm.

Anyhow, it’s lunchtime and I’m going out for lunch (I refuse to bring frozen leftover pasta for lunch. I REFUSE!). Maybe I’ll check out a few shops while I’m out too, it’s a looong day at work today…

xoxo

where-your-friends-liveI’m a happy-go-lucky type of person most of the time. Life is meant to be lived, people are meant to be talked to and food is meant to be tasted. I’d like to think I make friends easily, that I’m likable and fun and that others want to get to know me. So building friendships is something that comes easy to me.

Once I get over those first few minutes of slight awkwardness of meeting someone for the first time I tend to go all in and befriend them. I know I have scared a few people by being who I am, but most of the time we hit it off and are laughing within a few minutes. I love people, I want to hear their stories and be a part of their lives. 

If someone would ask me if I’m extrovert or introvert I’d claim extrovert, but recently I’ve begun to see myself more introvert. First and foremost it’s because some of the people I hung out with dumped me (yeah, really, I’ve been friendship dumped). In both cases it’s because they found a new love and didn’t need me to build them up and keep them smiling.

I’m really happy they’ve found happiness again, but I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t hurt that they never text me back or interact with me on social media anymore. From being “the best person ever” (actual quote from one of them) I’ve become a nothing. Thanks, cheers, lovely…

At the moment I don’t have the energy to make new friends, because even as an “extrovert” it takes energy to interact with people. I tried to find people (and keep up with the ones I know) online to fill the void of those irl, but it’s hard to keep up a friendship when you are sad a lot. I have met some truly amazing people on the webz and I cherish them, but what I really long for right now is to sit down with someone and drink buckets of tea.

An afternoon or evening watching films and just talking. Taking walks and laughing. Hugs and someone being there, for me. I want someone to ask me how I am, tell me it’s okay to be sad, give me a hug and laugh with me. Online friends are awesome (I truly love mine), but it’s hard to hug someone over Twitter or G+… I wish my bff, The Flutist, lived closer, because she is all those good things.

And I wished my new-ish friend from the library would become a closer friend, I should ask her over, because I feel she could be all those things. But it feels like it’s always me that does the reaching out, the calling and texting and making friends (it feels like that right now).

unicronAm I too much? Too much of a weirdo for the “normals” where I live? Where are all the weird people, the geeks and fan girls (or boys)?

Anyway, I should probably leave it all and accept that all my friends live in Narnia and can only be found by walking through the wardrobe that is the webz. Because they are weird and I love each and every one in here.

xoxo

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We have winter.
Or it snowed enough last night to still be here this morning. Though it’ll melt before the day is done, because it’s not cold enough yet…

Pumpkin was so happy this morning, it’s her birthday (she’s 4 now, I cannot believe how fast time flies!) and she had wished for snow. Fingers crossed the temperature drops tonight, leaving whatever snow that hasn’t yet melted.

The other day a friend of mine made me really happy. It was such a small thing really, but to me it was wonderful.

The power of words. You can do such harm, you can bring such joy. I don’t understand why people aren’t using this for good…

Every day I see vicious and hateful words being spread and said, why? Can’t we just agree on saying good things about each other? How about we build positive connections between us, no more tearing down.

I’m still happy about what they said, it keeps giving me a warm feeling in my stomach and it’s putting a smile on my face. Isn’t this what we all want to feel? Isn’t this what we want others to feel?

Let me start, then you go do the same to someone you think might need a smile…

You are wonderful and funny and smart. Anyone would be lucky to count you as their friend.

Anyhow, things to do… and books to read (so many books to read).

xoxo

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The one thing I love the most about autumn is the leaves changing colour. And then they fall, make neat (as in awesome) piles on the grass or on paths and that’s when I get to jump around in them.

Or when I drive and see leaves dancing on the road behind my car. It always puts the biggest smile on my face.

And boy do I need things to help me smile… For the past week or so I’ve suffered dizzy spells and today they reached their peak (or so I hope).

I’m taking a few sick days off work, there’s this sleepover on Friday and I really want to be better by then (fingers crossed).

Anyhow, I got the Trespasser DLC for Dragon Age Inquisition last week (I think it was last week, but it’s probably more than that) and DUDE!

SO MUCH AWESOME! SO MUCH!

I’m playing the whole game again with another character, so I can play Trespasser again… ❤❤❤
And I cannot wait for the next game in the Dragon Age universe (so excite, so freaking excite!).

xoxo

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Honestly. Is there anything better than books? Anything at all? (No, no there isn’t.)

If I could I’d read for most of the day and spend the rest of my time at libraries and bookstores.

Imagine walking into a place of books (heaven) and there on a shelf you see it. Maybe it’s the colour, the title, the author’s name, maybe it’s all three or none of them… but you reach out and pick the book up.

The weight of it, the feel of rippling through its pages, the smell of a new book (or if you’re in a second hand shop or a library, the smell of an old book). All those (by you) unread words. All the adventure waiting for you inside the pages of this wonderful thing.

Today I spent almost one hour in the library, reading a book I’ve already read serval times. It was the best.

I also have Kindle and read so many books on my phone and laptop, but to me there’s nothing better than getting to hold a book in my hands and experience the magic of reading.

Anyhow, we need more bookshelves at home, there’s not enough room to keep them all… and I know I’ll soon bring home new ones. I always do.

xoxo

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