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IMG_5717Springtime. Foggy and cold mornings, sunny and warm afternoons. Me being all happy and shit one second, only to wanting to crawl into a corner and cry the next. Life is as it is, mostly good, sometimes great and often nothing but alright. Still, I overthink and worry and feel like shit.

I’m worried my lack of dreams will have me be this mediocre person for the rest of my life. Others seem to dream big and live big, and all I want is a cuppa tea and friends. Are my dreams and goals and wishes too small? Must we all dream big?

Sure I’d like to publish, but not enough for me to go through it all and self-pub. And sure, I’d like to finally get my degree, but not enough for me to actually contact my Uni. And yeah, I’d like to have nice and stylish clothes, but not enough to clean my wardrobe out and start afresh.

I would love to travel more, meeting people and eating food. But I also know that I’ll have time for that when the horde is older (we’re going on a family trip this year, so there will be travelling). I asked mum if she’d like to go to London with me in the Autumn, she said yes, so now I guess it’s all about finding a decent priced trip. 

And we do little things with the family all the time. I’m actually a homebody, preferring to not leave my house unless I have to, so this travelling bug biting me is also kinda weird.

Work has been good, I am so happy to be working where I live, but I’ve also wondered if I’m where I ought to be. Is there even such a place for us? Maybe we just do the best with where we’re at and that makes us happy/content? Hard easy questions…

IMG_5764I miss my irl friends. I miss them a lot. We live quite a ways apart, so it’s hard to meet up. And all I want is to have tea with them and just sit and talk, or not talk, just sit. To sit down with someone who knows me, who just gets me and that I know and get in return. There’s real comfort in that.

I’ve been listening a lot to music, it’s really just the same old songs that I always listen to, maybe mixed with a couple new songs, but knowing the lyrics make me feel better about everything. I just wish I could go listen to them live. But it’s hard when many if them don’t even exist anymore… shit, I still can’t listen to Prince without crying my eyes out.

Good thing though is that I seem to be entering a productive period when it comes to writing, ideas pop up and stay with me. Maybe I’ll finish a few projects I have lying about.

Anyhow, I need to lunch and soon my car’s back from having its tyres swapped (no more icy roads, I hope) and I can do the stuff at work I left for today.

xoxo

img_4906Ugh. January has been rough.

Pirate has suffered an ear infection that wouldn’t go away, we went to see a specialist and they said he was fine. His ears still hurt from time to time, but apparently they can be like that for no reason. So yeah.
Now we won’t know if he has an ear infection or if his ears are just being dumb… fun.

Pumpkin had a stomach bug last weekend, preventing me from going to work on Monday (because stomach bug quarantine) and *this* weekend Princess suffered from the same thing.

So here I am, home on a Monday, feeling the workload piling up on me.
Parenting fun times! 

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One awesome thing about January though, was the wedding hubs and I attended this weekend (the horde had sleepovers at grandparents). Our very good friends (finally) got married and we had an occasion to go to Stockholm and dress up fancy fancy.

It was wonderful, warm and welcoming and so classy. I admire her way of always finding the prettiest things to make everything lovely. Good food and great company.

Also, the chance to dress up in finery comes far too seldom for me. All my pretty shoes are just lying there in the wardrobe, waiting for parties.
I wish it would be sensible for me to wear my heels to work, but alas… trainers are the only  thing that really work.

Today my grandfather (paternal) would have turned 100 years old. He passed away 1989. Just think of all the things he saw when growing up. Everything that changed in the world. Just think of all the things that changed after 1989! Happy birthday grandpa Mauritz!

Time’s a funny thing, moving fast and slow and sometimes you don’t know where it went. This year I’ve been married for 15 years, a mother of twins for 10 and my youngest turns 6 and starts school in August.

And yet, I don’t feel as if time has passed by much at all. What’s changed? Has anything changed? I don’t know.

img_4901The sun will rise and set and the world will turn and we will keep doing dumb shit to  each other. But wouldn’t it be soooo much better if we all just were good to each other.

Be good people. Always.

Anyhow, I need to amuse my hordelings. Princess has expressed a wish to watch Pride and Prejudice (1995) and who am I to refuse her such brilliant watching?

xoxo

img_20150327_101935This year has been hard on teenage Yheela.
So many of my musical heroes have died, along with some movie heroes too.

Is this what getting old feels like? 

I woke up this morning to the news that George Michael died yesterday.
It was only a few days ago I played his music deafeningly loud in my car.
I’ve cried this morning and I think I might cry again when hearing my favourite songs by him.
It’s almost like with Prince, I still can’t listen to all of his songs without breaking down a little.

Someone told me a couple of weeks ago that the music you listen to between ages 10 and 20 is the music you’ll listen to for the rest of your life. And I’d say it’s true. I have found a few new artists, but they do remind me of my old favourites.

On the other hand, 2016 has been very good to me too. I got a new job (although I did love my old one very much too) in my home parish and looking back I can say this autumn has been a good one.
I’ve made new friends and I’ve learnt new things. As it should be I guess. Now I have a week and a couple of days off before it all starts again.
New year, new opportunities.

Our Christmas was a quiet affair, as per usual. The horde were all happy about their gifts, the twins especially since they got phones. I’ve not seen much of them, they now spend much of their time in their rooms playing games and sending me funny texts.
We did take a walk yesterday though, my son wanted to catch a few Pokémons…

Today I’m taking them all to see ‘Sing’, I managed to book us seats at the local cinema. And if I’m quick I’ll be able to book us seats for one of the other kid’s films they’re showing during the Christmas holiday.

I’d like to go down to Gothenburg some day next week, to check out the sales and just get a change of scenery. Hubs is working though, so I don’t know if it’ll happen. I need to find a party dress for a wedding in January.
It says “dark suit”  on the invite and that means a posh dress (not too short and not floor length) and I do not have one of those. A posh dress that is, mine are all summer dresses and not posh at all.

chichiI checked a few online stores and think I found a brand I like, but looking in a store would be fun too (right now I’m liking these two, but I don’t know if they’re right).

And I’ll get to buy new shoes and jewelry and makeup and hair things and ALL THE GLITTERY STUFFS!

Also, I need to get this hair of mine sorted. Should I keep colouring it? Do I let it grow? Cut it shorter? Argh!

Maybe I ought to be happy my problems are my hair and that artists I like pass away… it’s hard to know your blessings when life meanders on as it should.

Anyway, I need to do stuffs. There’s Lego all over the kitchen from building the sets the horde got for Christmas and there’s laundry that needs folding etc etc…

I wish you all the best, these last days of 2016. ❤

xoxo

whale-watchI had planned on going to Gothenburg Book Fair tomorrow (that would be Saturday), but I’m so fatigued that the thought of pushing and shoving my way through throngs of book crazy bookworms has lost its appeal.

The Book Fair is the BEST THING all year, and it hurts not going, but I gotta take care of me… I’m going to go get my hair sorted. It’s in need of a cut and a colour and I might buy some makeup too. I need more translucent powder, scraping the pan at the moment.

There are good things happening too tho. I have tickets to The 1975’s concert in Stockholm in February (which makes up for so many other things going pear shaped atm). I’m dragging hubs there, only fair since he’s dragged me along to all kind of concerts with bands I really have no interest in.

 

And in January our good friends are getting married, so there’s a trip to Stockholm happening then too. I love weddings, they’re always so much fun! Also, I’m seeing this as an opportunity to buy a new party dress (YUSSSSS!), dare I go for shoes too? SHOES!!!!!

The twins are off to a birthday party tonight, and I’m thinking maybe I’ll have time for a bath (using the Galaxy bath bomb from Lush) and a read. Yeah. That sounds nice.

Anyhow, I think I’ll have a bit of a read now too…

xoxo

IMG_1093Midsummer in Sweden is usually a cold and rainy affair (June is our monsoon month after all, though people tend to forget that) but last Friday was unseasonably warm and sunny.

Not that I’m complaining mind, it’s just so very unusual and I for one was taken by surprise. Off came the jeans I had donned in the morning and on came the summer dress I haven’t worn in years (only because I haven’t bothered with mending the torn straps until earlier this year).

We had a lovely Midsummer, wen’t to the celebrations over in Vättlösa and met old friends and simply had a good time.

In the evening my parents came by, bringing Aquavit and strawberries. I ate my weight in new potatoes and pickled herring I think (NO REGRETS!).

IMG_1160Yesterday we went to Liseberg, along with friends and their kids. We had the best time and ended up staying over 10 hours at the amusement park! We had burgers and fries for lunch, ate so much sweets and ice cream and slush.
The twins went on so many rides, and so did Pumpkin, though she felt it was a little unfair that she wasn’t allowed on the really extreme ones…
“When I’m their age I’ll go on all those rides!”
“Yes my darling, you will.”

I got 6 books from the library last week and have read 5 of them already, the last one will be read tomorrow I think. It’s a Sarah Dessen favourite: What Happened to Goodbye.
I do wish they’d get all the Sarah Dessen books, along with all three Stephanie Perkins books I love and several other great great great YA writers I love.
I’ll have to talk with my librarian friend and see if I can convince her to get them all.

Another thing I’m trying to do this summer (at least during these six weeks of holiday I have) is to take better care of myself, find a way back to me and like what I see when I look in the mirror. As it is now I’m not very happy with myself.
The biggest issue I have is my skin: my moles and scars. I cannot NOT see it whenever I look in the mirror.
Right now I feel as if nothing I do makes me forget the fact that my skin makes me a freak and when I previously shook off comments I now just want to cry whenever someone says something about me. It’s really mostly young kids who wonder why I have so many “spots” and I tend to tell them that’s just the way it is, I can’t help it anymore than they can help the colour of their eyes.

IMG_1183Maybe I need to go see someone about this, find ways to beat the negative thoughts crowding my mind and making me feel less about myself.
As it is now I’ve even gone so far as to edit/remove moles in selfies before I post them anywhere. I don’t think anyone else has noticed, but I’ve felt better about the pictures, now without the freakish spots all over…

Anyhow, I’m going to finish reading this novel by Morgan Matson, Second Chance Summer and cry my eyes out doing so (I’ve read it before and I know how it ends and I know I’ll cry and I’ll read it anyway, because I can!).

xoxo

IMG_0958The Last Day.

I’m not going to come back here (to work) after today, this is it. And it feels so strange. Last time I had a Last Day I was at a job I didn’t care for anymore, I couldn’t wait to be gone from there. That was three years ago and the years following have been so good in relation to what I felt back then.
Leaving a place you still love working at is a new feeling for me, and it’s bitter and sweet and happy and sad and just plain weird…

Oh well, I guess I can always come back and visit if I miss them too much. But first I’ll have my 6 weeks of summer holiday and just try to do as little as possible.

I’m writing more again, I even finished a couple of short stories (ikr! Incredible!) and I’ll be using them for future Saturday Scenes. I’m really happy with one of them, I think I’ll post that one in its entirety on my writer’s blog and just a snippet for Saturday Scenes.

Tomorrow I’m getting the stitches on my stomach taken out, the ones on my back have to stay another week. It’s beginning to get really annoying having them yank and hurt whenever I move around too much or too fast. I’m so so so done with this.

I’ve started Dragon Age Inquisition again, that game is LIFE! And I’m totally romancing Cullen again, because I cannot not romance him… he’s the bread to my Inquisitor’s butter. Mmm… Cullen… mmm.

Anyhow, it’s lunchtime and I’m going out for lunch (I refuse to bring frozen leftover pasta for lunch. I REFUSE!). Maybe I’ll check out a few shops while I’m out too, it’s a looong day at work today…

xoxo

Oh well, I knew stitches would suck, but I had kinda forgotten how bad they actually DO suck… 
I’ve had trouble driving (even riding in the car has hurt like a mother) so I had to take Monday off from work. This means I have to work longer days Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. 

And it’s not as if I have TONS of stuff to do, lots of the things needing doing are for next term and I won’t really be there then, will I? 

Tomorrow morning I do have a bit of stuff to do, I’m taking A to have a look see at books and things for the preschool group she’s taking over from me (I’m so totally going to miss her so much! She’s awesome and funny and kind and a lot like me, but 13 years younger). I love you A! 

We’re going out on Friday, five of us from work, and I’m trying to think of what to wear. I’ll still have my stitches so that kinda limits what I have to choose from. Also, this restricts my choice of footwear… I’d love to wear heals, but no way I can manage that right now. 

I’ll most likely end up in jeans and a tee (dare I break out the flannel?) and my Doc’s. Guess I’ll just have to glam my face up or something. 

Anyhow, it seems impossible to get to the UK to see Goo Goo Dolls. Expensive as phukk. My life sucks. 

xoxo

IMAG1518_1It’s time for a check-up again. I had an appointment in April, but that got bumped to tomorrow because of a job interview (didn’t get that job, but in August I’ll be starting my new job here in my home parish. So woop woop!).

I’ve been in a funk for almost two months now, it started one month before my original appointment, and it’s sort of peaking tonight. I don’t like me, how I look or how I feel. And I don’t know what to do about it. I try to seem happy and cheerful, my usual self so to speak, and sometimes it’s okay, but most of the time I’m just sad and worried.
Last check-up things had changed and my doctor couldn’t really say why there were so many changes going on on my skin. Very reassuring. So I’m hoping that everything’s returned to normal and that the changes she found in December were a fluke.
And then there’s the possibility they’re still there, have changed more and maybe even morphed into melanoma…

It feels so superficial, but it’s killing me that I don’t feel pretty, no makeup or hair styles or clothes help in any way. Usually I clog my phone with selfies, right now I keep deleting every single one (when not feeling like this I even keep the ‘imperfect’ ones, I rarely delete pictures). It feels stupid to have these hangups, but I don’t know how to shake this off. Tonight is going to be long, I know I’ll not sleep much, but I have my phone and Kindle so I guess I’ll get some reading done… 

Anyhow, tomorrow’s there’s no need for makeup since doc’s gonna check every inch of my skin for anomalies. And tomorrow’s youth group wants to chill, maybe toast marshmallows, so my clothes are gonna be casual, and my hair’s going to be in a fun bun all day. Casual chic/homeless person/grunge/hopeless is the new black I guess. 

xoxo 

I have a few things I’d love to do in April.

First I’d love to go see The 1975 in Stockholm April 6th (no, working and there’s no one to cover for me), second I’d love to go down to Gothenburg for the day (just walk around, people watching) and third I’d love for someone to make me the most chocolaty birthday cake (I’ll end up having to make it myself).

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Before we even get to April there’s Easter. I’m working tomorrow (Sunday) and the day after (bus trip with kids from work), but then I  have seven days off.
I’ve promised the horde the baking of cakes, the watching of films, for eldest to have her ears pierced, for them all to get their hair cut and for us to eat All The Easter Sweets.

So much to do, all of it/most of it only fun things.

At the moment I’m playing The 1975’s new album “I like it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it” on repeat, it’s like they have a song for every occasion.
I’d like to just disappear into the music and not resurface until some time in June. It’s almost as if my heartbeats are in sync with their songs.

Work wise it’s a lot the coming two months. Sleepovers and prepping end of term celebrations and making sure my Confirmation youth group get their act together for Confirmation.
I think I have one free weekend in April and the same goes for May. On the other hand June is much slower, but at the moment I can’t appreciate the fact.

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There are a few jobs out near where I live and I’m going to apply to them. I’d like to think I’m interesting enough for them to ask me to come for an interview, but on the other hand I don’t have a degree in anything and this makes me doubt myself. I have so many uni courses under my belt and work experience, but is that enough?
If I get to an interview I know I’ll be able to talk about myself well enough, and I like to think I’m a likable person. So that’s nothing I’m worried about. It’s presenting myself on paper, trying to make myself interesting enough for them to actually ask me to come for an interview that’s the scary part.

Anyhow, my writing has been frequent the last few weeks. I’ve completed several short stories and poems, in both Swedish and English and I still feel that there’s stuff left to write about. An awesome feeling after the big nothing I felt earlier this year. More tea I think and more The 1975 and more writing.

xoxo

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The one thing I love the most about autumn is the leaves changing colour. And then they fall, make neat (as in awesome) piles on the grass or on paths and that’s when I get to jump around in them.

Or when I drive and see leaves dancing on the road behind my car. It always puts the biggest smile on my face.

And boy do I need things to help me smile… For the past week or so I’ve suffered dizzy spells and today they reached their peak (or so I hope).

I’m taking a few sick days off work, there’s this sleepover on Friday and I really want to be better by then (fingers crossed).

Anyhow, I got the Trespasser DLC for Dragon Age Inquisition last week (I think it was last week, but it’s probably more than that) and DUDE!

SO MUCH AWESOME! SO MUCH!

I’m playing the whole game again with another character, so I can play Trespasser again… ❤❤❤
And I cannot wait for the next game in the Dragon Age universe (so excite, so freaking excite!).

xoxo

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