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I remember a dream I had as a teen (I was maybe 14 or 15).

I’m at the small lake in the neighbouring village, the lake we rode our bikes to during summer, the place to be if you wanted to look at cute boys. In my dream I’m alone, even though it’s the middle of the day. The sun is warming my skin and I feel a breeze playing with my hair.
Come to think of it I don’t think I’m alone at all, there are faceless people swimming and talking and laughing in my peripheral vision. Anyway, I’m sitting on the jetty, almost at the end where it’s deep enough to dive into the murky water.
A boy walks towards me, a boy I really like, although his face is washed out by the bright sunshine, so I can’t be sure it’s the boy I’m crushing on at the time. He might be some generic dream version of boys I fancy (tall, dark, big grinned, funny boys), it doesn’t really matter, does it?
In my dream he sits down next to me, I smile at him and he smiles back. Then he leans in and kisses me. It’s The Perfect Kiss (well, duh what other types of kisses are there in perfect summer type dreams).
Then I woke up and spent weeks at trying to figure out who the boy was and if this was proof of my clairvoyance and if someone actually liked me, like that…

Sadly I never experienced a perfect kiss by a perfect boy on a perfect summer’s day out on the jetty (there are other kisses at other times, but nothing like the kiss in my dream).
I wish I could have this dream again, because it was a really good one. Wouldn’t that be nice? I can’t think of another dream I’d like to relive, this one has just stuck with me through the years.

I do have an excellent memory from the same village, but I was 17 and there’s no kissing involved. There are a couple of boys in this memory and I had a crush on one of them, but this time I had left them behind at the house we were staying at (we were supposed to be camping but summer nights in Sweden can be quite cold, so we walked 4 km to spend the night on the floors of this house).
A friend of mine, we weren’t great friends, but that night we were The Best Of Friends. Do you know what I mean? We talked and talked and talked and as the sun rose we sat on a fence looking out over the morning mist dancing over the moor and everything was simply perfect.
After a while some of the boys found us and one of them put his arm around my friend. The boy I was crushing on walked beside me back to the house, we didn’t speak. And I wonder what he would have done if I had kissed him there in the rising sun…

I don’t think I’ve felt more beautiful or alive as that morning, I felt life rushing through me, filling me to the brim and making me love every second of it. It’s a good memory.

Anyhow, I’m writing a lot right now. And that makes me happy.

xoxo

IMG_0272We’ve had crazy hot weather the last couple of days, the kind where you’re keeping your fingers crossed for thunder to come release you from the humidity.
And tonight it finally happened. Thunderstorm with accompanying rain. There’s a virtual waterfall from our gutter out front. Maybe I ought to go stand out in the rain? It’s nice to let yourself get soak by rain, if you know you’ll soon be dry and warm indoors.

I’ve written quite a lot these last few days, I have two short stories going and one of them is my current Saturday Scenes. Better finish it before I run out of Saturdays… the other one is my Harry Potter fanfic, that one I’m publishing on Archive of Our Own (go clickety if you wanna read, I’ve only posted three short chapters so far). With both of these I’m in the same pickle as always, I start writing without a ready plot and have no idea how they’re going to end…
I wonder if I’ll ever learn to do a outline for my stories, so that I’ll not end up in “what-the-fuck-happens-next land”? Probably not, I rarely learn from my mistakes. *big grin*

This week has been all about cleaning at work. We have to wash all the toys and clean out all the cupboards in all the houses we have groups in. That’s A LOT of toys… but I’m doing it with my buddies so at least there’s company and lots of laughs.
I’m going to miss them so much when I start my new job… love them to bits.

Right now I’m binge listening to Goo Goo Dolls. Seriously, they’ve not one bad song. Too bad they’re not touring Sweden… the closest they get is the UK. I wish I had time/money to go see them in London in October, but that’ll never happen.
Oh well, good thing I have Spotify then.

Anyhow, I got a date for surgery (June 9th). Two moles that need removing, not because they have melanoma, but because my doc thought they looked iffy. Whatever that means. I wish it would all just stop. I don’t need anymore scars, I’ll be at 15 when these have been removed. Yay!
Tonight I’m going to paint my nails and read, or write if my nail polish dries fast enough…

xoxo

IMAG1518_1It’s time for a check-up again. I had an appointment in April, but that got bumped to tomorrow because of a job interview (didn’t get that job, but in August I’ll be starting my new job here in my home parish. So woop woop!).

I’ve been in a funk for almost two months now, it started one month before my original appointment, and it’s sort of peaking tonight. I don’t like me, how I look or how I feel. And I don’t know what to do about it. I try to seem happy and cheerful, my usual self so to speak, and sometimes it’s okay, but most of the time I’m just sad and worried.
Last check-up things had changed and my doctor couldn’t really say why there were so many changes going on on my skin. Very reassuring. So I’m hoping that everything’s returned to normal and that the changes she found in December were a fluke.
And then there’s the possibility they’re still there, have changed more and maybe even morphed into melanoma…

It feels so superficial, but it’s killing me that I don’t feel pretty, no makeup or hair styles or clothes help in any way. Usually I clog my phone with selfies, right now I keep deleting every single one (when not feeling like this I even keep the ‘imperfect’ ones, I rarely delete pictures). It feels stupid to have these hangups, but I don’t know how to shake this off. Tonight is going to be long, I know I’ll not sleep much, but I have my phone and Kindle so I guess I’ll get some reading done… 

Anyhow, tomorrow’s there’s no need for makeup since doc’s gonna check every inch of my skin for anomalies. And tomorrow’s youth group wants to chill, maybe toast marshmallows, so my clothes are gonna be casual, and my hair’s going to be in a fun bun all day. Casual chic/homeless person/grunge/hopeless is the new black I guess. 

xoxo 

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