One of my Finnish cousins got married last weekend, so we made a little trip out if it. 


It never ceases to amaze me how similar but different Finland is from Sweden. 

It’s the little things, the design of farm houses, the coffee, the way people dress, doughnuts and other foods… makes me feel at home every time. 

Anyways, loads to do after coming home from a trip (All The Laundry). 

xoxo 

I don’t know when I wore anything but jeans (must have been the midsummer weekend). 
The weather’s been so unreliable, sunny one moment and bucketing the next. I’ll be heading out with laundry only to have to turn back inside, because rain… 

Ugh. It’s not helping my mood either (tho that could be pms or something), and even though I know you can takes walks in the rain I don’t feel like walking in the deluge that has been the rain the last week or so. 

One a more positive note: I’ve found a guy who posts videos of himself playing the Mass Effect games for the first time. He’s gone through ME1 and is now on ME2. 

This makes me remember how much I love the game and I’m considering leaving DAI for a while to finish my most resent play through of ME2. I abandoned that to start DAI. 

Anyhow, it’s nearing lunchtime and I’m feeling the hangry coming on. Better feed myself then, before I say or do something I regret. 

xoxo 

IMG_1093Midsummer in Sweden is usually a cold and rainy affair (June is our monsoon month after all, though people tend to forget that) but last Friday was unseasonably warm and sunny.

Not that I’m complaining mind, it’s just so very unusual and I for one was taken by surprise. Off came the jeans I had donned in the morning and on came the summer dress I haven’t worn in years (only because I haven’t bothered with mending the torn straps until earlier this year).

We had a lovely Midsummer, wen’t to the celebrations over in Vättlösa and met old friends and simply had a good time.

In the evening my parents came by, bringing Aquavit and strawberries. I ate my weight in new potatoes and pickled herring I think (NO REGRETS!).

IMG_1160Yesterday we went to Liseberg, along with friends and their kids. We had the best time and ended up staying over 10 hours at the amusement park! We had burgers and fries for lunch, ate so much sweets and ice cream and slush.
The twins went on so many rides, and so did Pumpkin, though she felt it was a little unfair that she wasn’t allowed on the really extreme ones…
“When I’m their age I’ll go on all those rides!”
“Yes my darling, you will.”

I got 6 books from the library last week and have read 5 of them already, the last one will be read tomorrow I think. It’s a Sarah Dessen favourite: What Happened to Goodbye.
I do wish they’d get all the Sarah Dessen books, along with all three Stephanie Perkins books I love and several other great great great YA writers I love.
I’ll have to talk with my librarian friend and see if I can convince her to get them all.

Another thing I’m trying to do this summer (at least during these six weeks of holiday I have) is to take better care of myself, find a way back to me and like what I see when I look in the mirror. As it is now I’m not very happy with myself.
The biggest issue I have is my skin: my moles and scars. I cannot NOT see it whenever I look in the mirror.
Right now I feel as if nothing I do makes me forget the fact that my skin makes me a freak and when I previously shook off comments I now just want to cry whenever someone says something about me. It’s really mostly young kids who wonder why I have so many “spots” and I tend to tell them that’s just the way it is, I can’t help it anymore than they can help the colour of their eyes.

IMG_1183Maybe I need to go see someone about this, find ways to beat the negative thoughts crowding my mind and making me feel less about myself.
As it is now I’ve even gone so far as to edit/remove moles in selfies before I post them anywhere. I don’t think anyone else has noticed, but I’ve felt better about the pictures, now without the freakish spots all over…

Anyhow, I’m going to finish reading this novel by Morgan Matson, Second Chance Summer and cry my eyes out doing so (I’ve read it before and I know how it ends and I know I’ll cry and I’ll read it anyway, because I can!).

xoxo

IMG_0958The Last Day.

I’m not going to come back here (to work) after today, this is it. And it feels so strange. Last time I had a Last Day I was at a job I didn’t care for anymore, I couldn’t wait to be gone from there. That was three years ago and the years following have been so good in relation to what I felt back then.
Leaving a place you still love working at is a new feeling for me, and it’s bitter and sweet and happy and sad and just plain weird…

Oh well, I guess I can always come back and visit if I miss them too much. But first I’ll have my 6 weeks of summer holiday and just try to do as little as possible.

I’m writing more again, I even finished a couple of short stories (ikr! Incredible!) and I’ll be using them for future Saturday Scenes. I’m really happy with one of them, I think I’ll post that one in its entirety on my writer’s blog and just a snippet for Saturday Scenes.

Tomorrow I’m getting the stitches on my stomach taken out, the ones on my back have to stay another week. It’s beginning to get really annoying having them yank and hurt whenever I move around too much or too fast. I’m so so so done with this.

I’ve started Dragon Age Inquisition again, that game is LIFE! And I’m totally romancing Cullen again, because I cannot not romance him… he’s the bread to my Inquisitor’s butter. Mmm… Cullen… mmm.

Anyhow, it’s lunchtime and I’m going out for lunch (I refuse to bring frozen leftover pasta for lunch. I REFUSE!). Maybe I’ll check out a few shops while I’m out too, it’s a looong day at work today…

xoxo

Oh well, I knew stitches would suck, but I had kinda forgotten how bad they actually DO suck… 
I’ve had trouble driving (even riding in the car has hurt like a mother) so I had to take Monday off from work. This means I have to work longer days Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. 

And it’s not as if I have TONS of stuff to do, lots of the things needing doing are for next term and I won’t really be there then, will I? 

Tomorrow morning I do have a bit of stuff to do, I’m taking A to have a look see at books and things for the preschool group she’s taking over from me (I’m so totally going to miss her so much! She’s awesome and funny and kind and a lot like me, but 13 years younger). I love you A! 

We’re going out on Friday, five of us from work, and I’m trying to think of what to wear. I’ll still have my stitches so that kinda limits what I have to choose from. Also, this restricts my choice of footwear… I’d love to wear heals, but no way I can manage that right now. 

I’ll most likely end up in jeans and a tee (dare I break out the flannel?) and my Doc’s. Guess I’ll just have to glam my face up or something. 

Anyhow, it seems impossible to get to the UK to see Goo Goo Dolls. Expensive as phukk. My life sucks. 

xoxo

Hospital today. Time to remove those iffy looking moles (and keep fingers crossed they don’t show any signs of melanoma). 
I’m listening to music that makes me happy to prep for this. Goo Goo Dolls ftw! 

The worst thing is the local anesthetic, it burns like a mudderphukker… and then I hope doc is quick because it sucks when I can feel them sow me shut. The needle going into the skin and the thread being pulled through. *shivers.* 

It’ll be fun (she tells herself, her laugh hollow). 

I guess I’ll have to look at the bright side: I’m getting lunch with hubs afterwards. We can gaze romantically at each other across the table at the burger joint before we tear into our greasy burgers and fries. True love! 

Anyway, I might start a writing project with a buddy from the webz. Flash fiction and/or short stories. So that’s good. Also, my Saturday Scenes short story is looking like it’s getting close to its ending. So woop woop for that! 

xoxo 

DSC_0031-PANO
I remember a dream I had as a teen (I was maybe 14 or 15).

I’m at the small lake in the neighbouring village, the lake we rode our bikes to during summer, the place to be if you wanted to look at cute boys. In my dream I’m alone, even though it’s the middle of the day. The sun is warming my skin and I feel a breeze playing with my hair.
Come to think of it I don’t think I’m alone at all, there are faceless people swimming and talking and laughing in my peripheral vision. Anyway, I’m sitting on the jetty, almost at the end where it’s deep enough to dive into the murky water.
A boy walks towards me, a boy I really like, although his face is washed out by the bright sunshine, so I can’t be sure it’s the boy I’m crushing on at the time. He might be some generic dream version of boys I fancy (tall, dark, big grinned, funny boys), it doesn’t really matter, does it?
In my dream he sits down next to me, I smile at him and he smiles back. Then he leans in and kisses me. It’s The Perfect Kiss (well, duh what other types of kisses are there in perfect summer type dreams).
Then I woke up and spent weeks at trying to figure out who the boy was and if this was proof of my clairvoyance and if someone actually liked me, like that…

Sadly I never experienced a perfect kiss by a perfect boy on a perfect summer’s day out on the jetty (there are other kisses at other times, but nothing like the kiss in my dream).
I wish I could have this dream again, because it was a really good one. Wouldn’t that be nice? I can’t think of another dream I’d like to relive, this one has just stuck with me through the years.

I do have an excellent memory from the same village, but I was 17 and there’s no kissing involved. There are a couple of boys in this memory and I had a crush on one of them, but this time I had left them behind at the house we were staying at (we were supposed to be camping but summer nights in Sweden can be quite cold, so we walked 4 km to spend the night on the floors of this house).
A friend of mine, we weren’t great friends, but that night we were The Best Of Friends. Do you know what I mean? We talked and talked and talked and as the sun rose we sat on a fence looking out over the morning mist dancing over the moor and everything was simply perfect.
After a while some of the boys found us and one of them put his arm around my friend. The boy I was crushing on walked beside me back to the house, we didn’t speak. And I wonder what he would have done if I had kissed him there in the rising sun…

I don’t think I’ve felt more beautiful or alive as that morning, I felt life rushing through me, filling me to the brim and making me love every second of it. It’s a good memory.

Anyhow, I’m writing a lot right now. And that makes me happy.

xoxo

IMG_0272We’ve had crazy hot weather the last couple of days, the kind where you’re keeping your fingers crossed for thunder to come release you from the humidity.
And tonight it finally happened. Thunderstorm with accompanying rain. There’s a virtual waterfall from our gutter out front. Maybe I ought to go stand out in the rain? It’s nice to let yourself get soak by rain, if you know you’ll soon be dry and warm indoors.

I’ve written quite a lot these last few days, I have two short stories going and one of them is my current Saturday Scenes. Better finish it before I run out of Saturdays… the other one is my Harry Potter fanfic, that one I’m publishing on Archive of Our Own (go clickety if you wanna read, I’ve only posted three short chapters so far). With both of these I’m in the same pickle as always, I start writing without a ready plot and have no idea how they’re going to end…
I wonder if I’ll ever learn to do a outline for my stories, so that I’ll not end up in “what-the-fuck-happens-next land”? Probably not, I rarely learn from my mistakes. *big grin*

This week has been all about cleaning at work. We have to wash all the toys and clean out all the cupboards in all the houses we have groups in. That’s A LOT of toys… but I’m doing it with my buddies so at least there’s company and lots of laughs.
I’m going to miss them so much when I start my new job… love them to bits.

Right now I’m binge listening to Goo Goo Dolls. Seriously, they’ve not one bad song. Too bad they’re not touring Sweden… the closest they get is the UK. I wish I had time/money to go see them in London in October, but that’ll never happen.
Oh well, good thing I have Spotify then.

Anyhow, I got a date for surgery (June 9th). Two moles that need removing, not because they have melanoma, but because my doc thought they looked iffy. Whatever that means. I wish it would all just stop. I don’t need anymore scars, I’ll be at 15 when these have been removed. Yay!
Tonight I’m going to paint my nails and read, or write if my nail polish dries fast enough…

xoxo

IMAG1518_1It’s time for a check-up again. I had an appointment in April, but that got bumped to tomorrow because of a job interview (didn’t get that job, but in August I’ll be starting my new job here in my home parish. So woop woop!).

I’ve been in a funk for almost two months now, it started one month before my original appointment, and it’s sort of peaking tonight. I don’t like me, how I look or how I feel. And I don’t know what to do about it. I try to seem happy and cheerful, my usual self so to speak, and sometimes it’s okay, but most of the time I’m just sad and worried.
Last check-up things had changed and my doctor couldn’t really say why there were so many changes going on on my skin. Very reassuring. So I’m hoping that everything’s returned to normal and that the changes she found in December were a fluke.
And then there’s the possibility they’re still there, have changed more and maybe even morphed into melanoma…

It feels so superficial, but it’s killing me that I don’t feel pretty, no makeup or hair styles or clothes help in any way. Usually I clog my phone with selfies, right now I keep deleting every single one (when not feeling like this I even keep the ‘imperfect’ ones, I rarely delete pictures). It feels stupid to have these hangups, but I don’t know how to shake this off. Tonight is going to be long, I know I’ll not sleep much, but I have my phone and Kindle so I guess I’ll get some reading done… 

Anyhow, tomorrow’s there’s no need for makeup since doc’s gonna check every inch of my skin for anomalies. And tomorrow’s youth group wants to chill, maybe toast marshmallows, so my clothes are gonna be casual, and my hair’s going to be in a fun bun all day. Casual chic/homeless person/grunge/hopeless is the new black I guess. 

xoxo 

PrincePurpleRainI know many think this is odd and over the top, but the death of Prince has been the single worst thing that’s happened to me in almost forever.
A tweet said (I’m paraphrasing here): “I don’t want to live in a world where Prince can die.” and this is how it feels.
He played such a big part of my growing up/teens, his music, his style and lyrics have carried me through so much shit and he held my hand through the good times.
As it is right now I can’t hear his music without crying, but at the same time I want to listen to him and never ever forget how his music makes me feel alive.

I was 13 or 14 when I happened upon Purple Rain on the telly, it was pure magic. Purple magic. I couldn’t stop obsessing about the songs or Prince but I had no one to share my obsession with. None of my friends got it, they were too busy with their own obsessions and musicians, which was all fine and dandy.
More Prince for me!
When my class went on a school trip to Denmark I hurried to record stores to see what Prince albums they had there and how many I could afford to buy. Most classmates were more concerned in buying booze, or Danish pastries.
I only bought the one CD: The Love Symbol album O(+> and I played in on my disc Walkman until I knew all the lyrics by heart.

My favourite Prince songs, in no particular order, are (I can’t pick one, who could?):

  • Sometimes it snows in April
  • Raspberry Beret
  • 7
  • Purple Rain
  • Get Freaky
  • When doves cry
  • Diamonds and pearls 
  • Morning papers 
  • Starfish and coffee
  • Gold 

2016 has been a shit year when it comes to people I look up to dying, it needs to stop with the killing off my favourites. Like really.

There’s groovy music in heaven now, for sure.

Anyhow, it’s stupid cold for April and I’m not impressed with any of it. What’s the  point of a jean jacket if I keep freezing my bum off every time I wear it? Hmpf…

xoxo 

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